A Real Guy
by
Billy Bennett
(Almost a Gentleman)
Billy Bennett
Spoken Introduction: A little American song - all the way from Massa two-pieces Written by a big stiff from away back over home. Step right on it, baby.
Hot dogs, hot dogs, hot water bottles too.

Chanted:
Say folks, I'm the real guy
Say soaks, I'll tell you why
Just got back from the edge of beyond
Done a little trip across the herring pond
I don't want no coal black mammy
On a black-eyed Susan shack
And the Swanee River upsets me liver
And I'm mighty pleased I'm back

I've been through every State
And folks, I'll tell you straight
Alabam and Tennessee
Don't mean a thing to a guy like me
I don't like old Kentucky
‘Cos The streets are mighty mucky
And when they change their minds in the big skyscrapers
The girls draw the blinds so you can't see the capers

Gee are those bamboo babies fat
Some shake this when they can't shake that
I don't like old Missouri
They ain't got a sign of a brewery 
New York pubs have all dried tubs
You cannot change your bread
Broadway may look nice at night
But take away the houses and electric light
And the Old Kent Road has got it skinned to death

New York city, get aboard a choo-choo
Find a corner seat and think you're doing fine
The train moves off as you go to kiss your sweetie
Find you've gone and kissed a man 
With whiskers down the line
Here's Niagara, see the water flowing
Over fifty million gallons in one rush
It keeps on ‘cos there's nothing there to stop it
It would do the same if it was down at Shepherd's Bush

Down Ohio, talk of prohibition
Every drop of beer and whiskey has been banned
The parsons threw all the bottles in the river
So each day I went swimming with a corkscrew in me hand
Indiana homin, see the old log cabin
Just one little room in which to sleep and eat
When the babbies have a bath on Friday
One leg's in the bathtub the other's down the street
Alabama, down there in the hay fields
See The coloured ladies working night and day
They just wear beads when reaping in the harvest
Gee I wouldn't move until they'd cut down all the hay.

Alabam and Tennessee, don't mean a thing to a guy like me
I don't like old Kentucky
The streets are mighty mucky
And when they change their minds in the big skyscrapers
The girls draw the blinds so you can't see the capers
Gee those bamboo babies are fat
Some shake this when they can't shake that
I don't like old Missouri
They ain't got a sign of a brewery 
Their ice-cream dope tastes just like soap
And freezes all your breath
Talk about the fried canned beef
But if you can't afford a set of new false teeth
The tripe in Wigan's got it skinned to death.

By gum, - no no gee whiz, - I'm an American now. 
The end