Billy Bennett
(Almost a Gentleman)
Billy Bennett
Nell was a bookmaker's daughter;
On the day she was born there was trouble: 
In addition to Nell came a sister as well -
Nell's mother had brought off a double.

Nell was the eldest twin sister,
But by only two minutes at most;
The other they reckoned came in a good second,
But Nellie was first past the post.

Poor father went wild when he heard there were two,
He was found in a pub drinking gin;
He said, `I'll get tight; I won't go home to-night
In case any more runners come in.'

But Nell's sister was not a long liver,
Though the girl was as strong as a haddock,
But one day on the course she got kicked by a horse
Between the grandstand and the paddock.

Now Nellie's grown up into manhood,
She's buxom and all in full bloom, 
She's useful to Dad on the racecourse
Parking betting slips in her boosoom.

It's a sight to see Nell at the racecourse,
Her beauty can not be concealed;
All the young knobs bet their tanners and bobs
To see Nellie lay on the field.

Yes, all the young bloods fall for Nellie,
Though against them her dad used to warn her.
For he knew if they placed one arm round her waist
They'd be halfway round Tattenham Corner.

One day Nell's dad said, 'I'm in trouble,
I've a thousand on Black Pudding to win;
Now I hear they're all backing Polony -
At all costs I must save my skin.

'If Black Pudding loses I'm ruined;
I thought that the horse was a good-un,
But his skin's got so shiny and slippy
The jockey can't stick on his pudden'.

Nell cried, 'Tell the jockey I'll ride it,
I'll borrow his clothes all complete - 
That is, all excepting the trousers,
He's rubbed Ronuk all over the seat!

'And that's why he slips off Black Pudding,
But, Daddy, I'll save you your quids:
I'll stick on the mare, for I'll ride in a pair
Of my mother's red flannel non-skids.'

The day of the race - what excitement!
They both started off like the wind;
Polony was making the running,
With Black Pudding just two links behind.

Nell looked a safe bet in her red flannelette
As over its neck she kept bending;
Every time the horse jumped in the air Nellie bumped,
And we saw her invisible mending.

The pace was too hot for Polony,
She began to curl up with the heat;
The people were all shouting, 'Blimey,
She's trying to make both ends meet!'

We could all see Polony was beaten;
The trainer was shouting out, 'Cuss it,
They've forgotten to sew her tights up at one end
And the stuffing's dropped out of her gusset.'

Nell won and she's got a new motto:
It's this - and you never will match it -
If you run on life's course, take a chance with your horse...
It'll never do well if you scratch it! 
The end