Billy Bennett
(Almost a Gentleman)
Billy Bennett
Oh, what is a policeman, please, Grandmama? 
Asked her golden-haired grand-daughter, Nell.
Does he fight for the right, does he guard us at night,
Does he guard us at night... does he?... Not often!

Don't laugh at the fellows in blue, please, 
Remember we earn our meal-tickets.
I'm a hero in blue... true blue, through and through,
I'm so blue all my kids have got rickets.

It's the uniform makes the policeman, 
A lady told me, and she said, 
'Take off his uniform. where would he be?" 
I said, "If he's decent... in bed!"

One night a poor boy cried, "I've lost my last bob."
I said to the boy, "Never mind it";
Put my hand in my pocket and said. "There vou are.
There's a match that'll help you to find it.''

I once caught a thief in a bakehouse. 
He was covered with flour and with dough
Just one of those crooks, but you'd say from his looks
He's the whitest man I know.

Disguised as a doughnut, I sat on the stove 
The stove could have been a lot colder.
And for my bravery, of stripes I got three, 
They were quite a long way from my shoulder.

I once served a summons down Petticoat Lane 
To an Irish Peruvian Yiddle.
To make sure that he knew, I wrote it in Hebrew.
And played it to him on my fiddle.

He was clerk at the works where they make pickle gerks,
But I soon put a stop to his workings.
He'd been putting green pullovers on to bananas
And sold them to children as gerkins.

I once caught a tramp at a farmhouse, 
He was milking a cow in the lane.
I made him put all the milk back in the meter 
And then turned it off at the main.

I stopped a girl drowning by Waterloo Bndge,
She was floating along in the June light
With a poor little sparrow parked on her big toe
Singing "All by Myself in the Moonlight."

A girl came along Piccadilly, 
I stopped her and asked her her plans.
She said, "I'm a milkmaid from Nestles,
And I'm looking around for some cans

A hen and a pig on the tram-lines 
Were walking-just stretching their legs 
Before they could scram, along came a tram 
And I picked up some bacon and eggs.

I fought a cat-burglar in Selfridge's stores, 
He was kicking and biting and punching.
I tried to pinch him, but old slippery Jim 
Pinched my helmet, my pants, and my truncheon.

The inspector came in and he said with a grin, 
"Hello! what's the trouble here, Cecil?"
I looked woe-begone, for all I had on 
Was a girl's cami-knicks and my whistle.

So, remember a policeman is human, 
And at him your noses don't tilt;
For the same heart beats under his tunic 
As it does 'neath a Highlander's kilt. 
The end