CUCUMBER'S RACE
( for the 'Tinned-Salmon Stakes' )
by
Billy Bennett
(Almost a Gentleman)
Billy Bennett
The 'Bookies' were shouting, the numbers were up
The horses lined up for the start
And I had the mount on the smartest nag
That ever came out of a cart

For I was 'First Jockey' to Lord Love-a-Duck
I'd won for him times out o' number
Today was the race for the tinned-salmon stakes
And I had the mount on Cucumber.

A horse with a pedigree seven feet long
There was nothing at all to outclass him
The only thing was - he was so polite
He'd stand back and let others pass him

And he looked as fit as a fourp'n'y bit
In a new sun hat - and blinkers
His muscles so hard - one gentlemen said
He must have been fed on clinkers.

There were Touts and Sharps - all 'playing their harps'
And the 'Bookies' looked even sharper
Some getting ready to pay out the odds
And some getting ready to 'scarper'

While over there - in the grandstand
Showing their jewels and 'style' off
Were ladies of rank - from the Old Kent Road
So rank - you could smell 'em a mile off.

We'd waited an hour for the starter
Our patience was nearly spent
Then they wanted the course for the next race
So, 'They're off' and away we went

And how did we go? He travelled so fast
I never felt so faint-hearted
He'd gone very nearly a quart'r of a mile
And hadn't stopped once since he started.

Then it came on to thunder and lightning
And I noticed a change in the weather
The crowd gave a shout as his false teeth fell out
And his knees started knocking together

Down came the rain - unlucky again
But I wasn't the sort of a fella
To get him wet through, so what did I do
I went back for my 'Umberella'.

We still had about ten miles to go
And he looked all over a winner
Till he heard the bell - for another race
And then he knocked off for dinner

A telegraph pole must have strayed on the course
For I closed my eyes only a minute
And an ambulance car dashed down the road
And I didn't know I was in it.

And 'Cucumber' came home alone that day
How far he'd have won there's no knowing
If they hadn't run him in blinkers
And he couldn't see where he was going

But his backers all stood up and cheered him
For they knew all their money was gone
But all wasn't lost - as he passed the post
For he still had his nose-bag on.

And as I fell out of the Ambulance
The crowd gave me quite an ovation
And one lady threw me a kiss, as well, 
In a 'Bottle of embrocation'

And Lord Love-a-Duck gripped me by the hand
All bubbling over with joy
Then he gripped me again - by the throat - for luck
And the crowd yelled, 'Atta Boy.'

He said, 'Some day my horse will be pole-axed
And then I won't forget you
And, when Cucumber started at ten to one
And came home at half past two.'  
The end