(Almost a Gentleman)
Everybody knows me, Dr. Goosegrease, M.D.
All the best paying patients, I've got 'em.
Harley Street's my abode, No. 6 down the road,
No. 9 if you start from the bottom.
All your doctors are saps - all excepting me, p'raps,
And I speak without swank or bravado.
I've taken the place of the late Dr. Grace,
Doctor Crippen, and Doctor Barnardo.
I can get to the seat of most any complaint,
Patch you up and make you feel swell;
I can patch a weak chest, do a rip in your vest,
Or a split in your trousers as well!
I've got indoor patients, and outdoor ones, too,
With my knowledge I've very few failings,
My outdoor patients are all convalescent
At Gravesend, surrounded by railings!
My tonic, no doubt, you have all read about,
It's a sure cure for anything chronic.
If your palate is sweet, take a drop of gin, neat,
Then drink it and leave out the tonic!
It'll whack you Macleans, Bob Martins, Bile Beans;
You can use it to paddle your feet in.
It'll shift housemaid's knees, B.O., or D.T.'s,
And those distant relations of Keating.
It'll cure you of gout, or a sniff in the snout,
And relieve you of that "tired" feeling;
Spots in front of the eyes, and the spots where the flies
Leave their visiting cards on the ceiling.
If a man's got no pep, I can put him in step,
Make him realize what married bliss is.
When my tonic he's had, he'll feel like a young lad,
There'll be no one more pleased than his missus
It's good for the thatch, if you've got a bald patch,
Grandpa swears it's as good as Yeast-Vitie,
He stands on his hands, like a kid on the sands,
And waltzes around in his nightie.
When you're throwing a dart, take a dose at the start,
You'll be able to throw like a star.
Take a couple of doses, and when you're seasick,
You'll be able to throw twice as far.
If you freely perspire, and your tonsils backfire,
And your muscles are flabby and skinny,
Try my patent massage, to massage your passage,
And straighten the pleats in you pinny.
I can give you the works on physical jerks,
Private lessons to ladies in slimming.
My hours for the men are from nine until ten
I keep open all night for the women.
To all courting couples I give advice free;
I'm married, so I know what's the best.
My advice wheb in doubt is, don't fiddle about -
Get married, and I'll do the rest.
In my beauty parlour I transform the faces
Of women to look in their prime.
Talking about altering clocks back and forward,
I've pushed back some clocks in my time!
I've lifted the face of an elderly dame,
And spent nearly half-a-day on it.
I fixed the old hag, but there's only one snag,
Now her face is on top of her bonnett
I attended a male with an ingrowing nail,
My instructions I told him to follow.
Now he's taught it to grow in the way it should go,
Round his streamline and up through his collar!
I turn flappers' pimples into beautiful dimples,
My ointment is great, you can't lick it.
You'll find it will pay, for you know what they say,
It'll never get well if you pick it!