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THE INFERNAL TRIANGLE
by Billy Bennett (Almost a Gentleman)  Let me sit down for a minute, sir There's a milestone in my boot And list to the tale how my hearthstone was wrecked By a bloodthirsty, blue-blooded brute Tallulah and I were just married We'd each led a solitary life Her husband eloped with a woman In mistake for another manšs wife. We'd a military wedding in Shoreditch Walking under the sword and lance Two bridesmaids held up Tallulah's train And two safety pins held up my pants We found a small cottage to live in The outside was old and so mean I'll admit all the windows were dirty But Tallulah and I were quite clean. We hadn't much money to live on There was never much food on the shelf So she took in a lodger - I couldn't object I'd once been a lodger myself He was a sailor from Botany Bay He'd been wrecked at a night-club in Dover He did look a wreck, he'd got two tucks in his neck And his wishbone stuck through his pullover. But all good things must come to an end Thanks to false Jack from Botany Bay For she cast me aside in December Like she cast off her woollies in May The climax came - one fatal evening For my latchkey I started to forage Through the keyhole I yelled to Tallulah "Has anyone been at my porridge?" He then flung his arms round my darling His embraces showed they were no strangers I could tell by the way he tackled the wife He'd played half-back for Queen's Park Rangers The front door was locked, barred and bolted I thought to myself this is rummy I was six stone - no more - I got under the door And wriggled inside on my tummy. I dived in and caught them red-handed He was standing like Little Jack Horner And the wife, most improper, sat on the copper Saying, "Puss Puss, come to my corner." I sparred up to fight for my honour The wife said, "You coward, don't hit him." I pushed him near a chair where my false teeth were Then the top set flew up and bit him. With a mallet I knocked him unconscious She murmured, "Alas my poor brother." I did all I knew and I'd just brought him round When the wife went and brought him another. When I pulled out a pistol he ran for his life So I chased him all round the houses I aimed at the brute, but the wife said, "Donšt shoot He's wearing a pair of your trousers." And with sailor Jack she eloped in his smack I've searched all round but can't spot 'em I know they're afloat, and if I find that boat I know one smack that's going to the bottom.
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