You see pretty girl's photos on magazine covers
But no fella's got one like that
For I've got a wife who's really quite nice
But the looking glass tells her she's fat.
She's so very plump to get in a room once
She has to go twice through each door
There's a terrible lot and then not so much
And men help yourself to some more.

Still she's mine, all mine, she's nobody else's but mine
I think she was built when it comes to the worst
To show how far the skin will stretch before it will burst
On the day we were wed a rude fella said
"Why, he's brought back a tank from the Rhine"
I paid 7/6d and I got a treat, 19 stone 4 in her stocking feet
That's three pounds a penny all good English meat
And it's mine, all mine.

She's mine, all mine, she's nobody else's but mine
Skipping would bring down her weight so they said
She skipped but she brought down the ceiling instead
She was washing last week but the weather was bleak
Her lingerie blew off the line
I searched from eleven to twenty past three
I found some boy scouts who had made a marquee
With five yards to spare, so I said, "Give it to me
'Cos it's mine, all mine".

She wanted a holiday one day last Summer
So went to the seaside for luck
The luggage went on in a five seater car
And the wife came along in a truck
She's fond of the water excepting for drinking
The morning was lovely and clear
She dived in the sea but she made such a splash
That she washed the jazz band off the pier.

Still she's mine, all mine, she's nobody else's but mine
I thought she looked grand as she swam in the foam
But a sailor said, "Crikey, the fleet's coming home."
He stuck a harpoon in the captive balloon
And pulled her ashore with his line
The crowd stood and cheered as she lay soaking wet
One said, "It's a whale or a porpoise I'll bet."
I said, "No sir it's only a girl men forget
But it's mine, all mine."

She's mine, all mine, she's nobody else's but mine
We'd our photographs taken before we came home
With me as St Pauls and the wife as the dome
We jumped on a tram but she caused such a jam
She took up enough room for nine
She sat on a man's hat and he said, "Now my dear
Do you know what you've sat on?"
She answered, "Look here, I ought to,
I've sat there for thirty-five years
And it's mine, all mine."