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THE BUS CONDUCTOR
by
Graham Squiers and Fred Cecil (1922)

Some people think conductors have a bloomin' easy life,
Wot I say is, they want another think,
I'm always on the go, I am, unless I'm comin' back—
Crikey! and I could do with a drink.
From 'ere to there—and there to 'ere—for hours at a stretch,
An' often late at night—and yet I stick it,
Folks thinks I've nothin' else to do but wander up an' down,
An' ring my bell and 'and 'em out a ticket.
And as for 'andin' tickets, I suppose you think it's jam,
It ain't—it's only bread, an' stale at that,
The passengers I get at times-I'd like ter shove 'em orf,
I'd one to-day—the 'aughty swank-faced cat!
She says "This note is all I have, I want the change correct,
And not all silver either—" Can yer lick it?
So I gives 'er nine and ninepence—all in pennies—one by one,
An' rang my bell—and 'anded 'er a ticket.
An' Johnnies—Mashers—you know—toffs, I'd one o' them tonight,
'E stops my 'bus an' says "Aw haw, aw haw'."
I says "The same to you with ribbons on" an'—'e replies,
"Where might this jolly bus be making for?"
I says "It might be Egypt or Kamschatka, but it ain't,
It's the Oval—where we tries to play at cricket,"
'E says, "Aw haw aw haw", again, so I says-" 'E-he he",
An' rang my bell and 'anded 'im is ticket.
There's them well fed old gents at times—you know with frontispiece,
The sort wot beams an' corls me "My good man"—
Wot 'as an eye for flappers—if the missis ain't about,—
I've seen 'em an' I know—san fairy ann.
I 'ad a Russian bloke to-day—a Bolshie-bloomin'-vik,
All matted 'air, Lord knows 'ow 'e can stick it,
Calls me "Comrade"—I says—"Cheero—Tarzan of the apes,"
And rang my bell—and 'anded 'im is ticket.
My old gal's in the 'orspital, that's why I'm 'ere alone,
That's why the last nine weeks 'ave seemed so long.
She's comin' out next Friday—some blokes might say that's bad luck,
But jokes apart—she ain't no longer strong.
She's got a kind of sense of humour too, the same as me,
An' if she 'adn't, Gawd knows 'ow we'd stick it,
But still we'll smile until the chief Conductor comes along,
And rings his bell—and 'ands us both a ticket.
 
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