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HOME GUARD
( THE DAY WAR BROKE OUT... )
by
Robb Wilton
The day
war broke out... my Missus said to me... she looked at me and
she said, "What good are you?"
I said, "Who?"
She said, "You!"
I said, "How do you mean, what good am I?"
"Well..." she said, you're too old for the army..." she said,
"you couldn't get in the navy... and they wouldn't have you
in the air force... so, what good are you?"
I said," I'll do something!..."
She said, "What?"
I said, How do I know?... I'll have to think!"
She said, "I don't see how that's going to help you... you've
never done it before!..." she said, "so what good..."
I said, "Don't keep saying what good am I," I said, "there'll
be munitions."
She said, "How can you go on mun..."
I said, "I never said anything about going on munitions, I simply
said... there'd be some!"
"Well," she said, "All the young fellas'll be getting called
up and you'll have to go back to work!"
Ooh... she's got a cruel tongue!
Anyway, I haven't had to go back to work... I'm a lamplighter!
Then she turned round and she said, "Our Harry'll be getting
called up... and when he's gone there'll only be his army around...
so what are you going to do then?"
I said, "Well, I'll have to try and manage on it."
She said, "You'll have to try... what about me?"
I said, Well, there'll be my insurance."
She said, " I can't get that until you're dead!"
I said, "Well, you'll have to wait!"
She said, "What if I die first?"
"Well," I said, "you won't need it!"
You can't reason with her... she's got no brains at all.
Anyhow... I got fed up, so I went down to the local and there
was a fella there... ooh, he was tight as a... and there was
another fella... and one of them was filling in a form and he
said to the other fella, he said, "Harry?... what's the name
of the street outside this pub?"
So the other fella said, "The name of what?"
"The name of the street... outside the pub!"
The other fella said, "Oh I don't know... I've never
been outside the pub!"
So I asked them what the form was they were filling in and he
said it 'ad summat to do with the Home Guard and he read it
out to me... and it said, 'Wanted, real men, men who are neither
afraid of bombs, tanks, incendiary devices, high explosives
or anything else... men who are ready to lay down their lives
in any shape or form.'
I said, "Oh, then you're joining?"
He said, "Joining?... joining what?"
I said, "The Home Guard!"
He said, "Not me!"
I said, "Well then... what are you signing?"
He said, "I'm not signing... I'm dropping them a line to tell
them, I'm not going, for one!"
But the first day I got my uniform of course, I was very proud
of it... I went home and I put it on and the Missus looked at
me and she said, "What are you supposed to be?"
I said, "Supposed to... I'm one of the Home Guards!"
She said, "One of the Ho... what are the others like?"
She said,"What are you supposed to do?"
I said, "I'm supposed to stop Hitler's army landing."
She said, "What!... you?"
I said, "No... there's Charlie Evans, Dick Roberts...
I said, "There's seven or eight of us, altogether."
I said, "We're in a group."
I said, "We're on guard in a little hut behind 'The Dog and
Pullet'"
She said, "What's the good of being in a little hut behind 'The
Dog and Pullet'" she said, "I suppose that was your idea!"
I said, "Aye... and that Charlie Evans wants to claim it as
his!"
Then she turned round and said, "What have you got one stripe
for?"
I said, "Well, I was keeping that as a little surprise!"
I told her, "As a matter of fact, Charlie Evans, Billy Brightride
and meself, got one each."
She said, "Well, how did you come by them?"
I said, "Well, Tom Brierly, the sergeant, he got all browned
off, fed up to the teeth, chucked it and gave us one each!"
Oh, we've all joined for the duration... that's of course unless
it finishes before then. Oh, we might all be in the little
wooden hut behind 'The Dog and Pullet' there, long after it's
over... and it's very lonely, well that happened to me in the
last war... I don't want to miss the next one.
But my Missus, she asks such foolish questions, she said to
me, she said, "What are you supposed to be guarding?"
I said, "We're guarding the British Isles... we're guarding
all the men, women and children, millions of 'em... and you!"
She said, "Oh, I see... then you're on our side?"
I said, "Well of course I am!..."
She said, "Well, I think we'd stand a far better chance if you
were on the other side!"
She said, "Do you know this Hitler?... have you ever met him?"
I said, "Do I... of course I don't!"
She said, "Well how are you going to know which is him if they
do land?"
I said, "Well, I've got a tongue in my head, haven't I?"
I said, "Who... "
Oh, look at the time, I should have been on guard a couple of
hours ago... they'll be searching for me everywhere... I've
left a hole in the coast exposed, you'll have to forgive me... |
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