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HOME GUARD
( THE DAY WAR BROKE OUT... )

by
Robb Wilton


The day war broke out... my Missus said to me... she looked at me and she said, "What good are you?"
I said, "Who?"
She said, "You!"
I said, "How do you mean, what good am I?"
"Well..." she said, you're too old for the army..." she said, "you couldn't get in the navy... and they wouldn't have you in the air force... so, what good are you?"
I said," I'll do something!..."
She said, "What?"
I said, How do I know?... I'll have to think!"
She said, "I don't see how that's going to help you... you've never done it before!..." she said, "so what good..."
I said, "Don't keep saying what good am I," I said, "there'll be munitions."
She said, "How can you go on mun..."
I said, "I never said anything about going on munitions, I simply said... there'd be some!"
"Well," she said, "All the young fellas'll be getting called up and you'll have to go back to work!"
Ooh... she's got a cruel tongue!
Anyway, I haven't had to go back to work... I'm a lamplighter!
Then she turned round and she said, "Our Harry'll be getting called up... and when he's gone there'll only be his army around... so what are you going to do then?"
I said, "Well, I'll have to try and manage on it."
She said, "You'll have to try... what about me?"
I said, Well, there'll be my insurance."
She said, " I can't get that until you're dead!"
I said, "Well, you'll have to wait!"
She said, "What if I die first?"
"Well," I said, "you won't need it!"
You can't reason with her... she's got no brains at all.
Anyhow... I got fed up, so I went down to the local and there was a fella there... ooh, he was tight as a... and there was another fella... and one of them was filling in a form and he said to the other fella, he said, "Harry?... what's the name of the street outside this pub?"
So the other fella said, "The name of what?"
"The name of the street... outside the pub!"
The other fella said, "Oh I don't know... I've never been outside the pub!"
So I asked them what the form was they were filling in and he said it 'ad summat to do with the Home Guard and he read it out to me... and it said, 'Wanted, real men, men who are neither afraid of bombs, tanks, incendiary devices, high explosives or anything else... men who are ready to lay down their lives in any shape or form.'
I said, "Oh, then you're joining?"
He said, "Joining?... joining what?"
I said, "The Home Guard!"
He said, "Not me!"
I said, "Well then... what are you signing?"
He said, "I'm not signing... I'm dropping them a line to tell them, I'm not going, for one!"
But the first day I got my uniform of course, I was very proud of it... I went home and I put it on and the Missus looked at me and she said, "What are you supposed to be?"
I said, "Supposed to... I'm one of the Home Guards!"
She said, "One of the Ho... what are the others like?"
She said,"What are you supposed to do?"
I said, "I'm supposed to stop Hitler's army landing."
She said, "What!... you?"
I said, "No... there's Charlie Evans, Dick Roberts...
I said, "There's seven or eight of us, altogether."
I said, "We're in a group."
I said, "We're on guard in a little hut behind 'The Dog and Pullet'"
She said, "What's the good of being in a little hut behind 'The Dog and Pullet'" she said, "I suppose that was your idea!"
I said, "Aye... and that Charlie Evans wants to claim it as his!"
Then she turned round and said, "What have you got one stripe for?"
I said, "Well, I was keeping that as a little surprise!"
I told her, "As a matter of fact, Charlie Evans, Billy Brightride and meself, got one each."
She said, "Well, how did you come by them?"
I said, "Well, Tom Brierly, the sergeant, he got all browned off, fed up to the teeth, chucked it and gave us one each!"
Oh, we've all joined for the duration... that's of course unless it finishes before then. Oh, we might all be in the little wooden hut behind 'The Dog and Pullet' there, long after it's over... and it's very lonely, well that happened to me in the last war... I don't want to miss the next one.
But my Missus, she asks such foolish questions, she said to me, she said, "What are you supposed to be guarding?"
I said, "We're guarding the British Isles... we're guarding all the men, women and children, millions of 'em... and you!"
She said, "Oh, I see... then you're on our side?"
I said, "Well of course I am!..."
She said, "Well, I think we'd stand a far better chance if you were on the other side!"
She said, "Do you know this Hitler?... have you ever met him?"
I said, "Do I... of course I don't!"
She said, "Well how are you going to know which is him if they do land?"
I said, "Well, I've got a tongue in my head, haven't I?"
I said, "Who... "
Oh, look at the time, I should have been on guard a couple of hours ago... they'll be searching for me everywhere... I've left a hole in the coast exposed, you'll have to forgive me...

 
 
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