GEORGE'S CASTLE
possibly performed by
Albert Modley
 Now man and boy for 30 years
Old George had worked in t'pottery
Until Dame Fortune smiled on him
And he won first prize in t'lottery

'By Gum,' said George 'that's champion
No more with work I'll wrestle
I'll gi' me sen a right good do
An buy a flippin' castle'

So off he went to agent
They met in an hotel
And George said, 'Well I've come to buy
That's if tha wants to sell.'

Ses agent, 'I must warn you
Though I hope you won't be daunted
But my instructions are to say
The bloomin' castle's haunted!'

Each night when turret clock strikes twelve
A fearsome ghost appears,
George rang the bell, the waiter came
And George said, 'Two more beers!'

Then turning to the agent said,
'Don't think I'm being rash,
But well I'm used to being haunted
Since I came into cash

So I'm taking this here castle
And ghosts as well tha' knows
So if tha's nowt else to worry thee
I don't care if it snows.'

So deeds were signed and settled
And cheques were sent off too
And first night in castle, George ses, 
'Now then, what's to do?'

Now castle ghost had told his pals
And each in hollow tones
Had sworn when he arrived to freeze
The marrow in his bones.

The turret clock struck 12 dull strokes
There came an awful din
Of clanking chains and three loud groans
As castle ghost walked in.' 

Long chains were hung upon its legs 
And round it's head a hood
And dripping from its fingers
Were gouts of crimson blood

'By gum!' ses George, 'You do look bad
Hast broken out of jail?
Sit down and make thisen at home
Here, have a sup of ale.'

'Dost thou not tremble, wretch, to see
These hands all steeped in gore?'
'Oh no' ses George, 'It's fashion now
I've seen red nails afore.'

The spectre vanished from the room
And in its place appeared
With sword stuck thro' his waistcoat
A wraith wi' pointed beard

'Well, well!' ses George, 'You're in a mess
Somebody done thee dirt,
And chap that's stuck that sword through thee
By gum he's spoiled thi' shirt!'

'Tremble mortal man,' says ghost,
'At spirit of the slain.'
'Don't wave your hands about...' ses George,
'You'll cut yourself again!'

The vision slowly faded
And as it grew more dim
There came three solemn knocks ont' door
George turned and said, 'Come in.'

The door it slowly opened
Without the slightest sound
And from without, in accent deep
A moaning voice said, 'Drowned.'

A figure entered, cold and grey,
In garments soaking wet,
The dank weeds tangled in her hair
Proclaimed the doom she'd met.

She raised her hands and said,
'Beware the moated grange!'
'Nay don't be silly lass...' ses George,
'Go home and get a change.'

'Beware the moated grange.' once more
The dripping figure cried,
'You take a nice hot bath...' said George,
'And get your undies dried!.

Well after that, the ghosts left George
They found these horrors grim
And shrieks and moans and deathly groans
Had no effect on him.

Wi' ghosts gone George left castle
Gave up his deeds and rights
He said the place was lonely and
Got on his nerves at nights!  
The end