GEORGE'S CASTLE
possibly performed by Albert Modley Now man and boy for 30 years Old George had worked in t'pottery Until Dame Fortune smiled on him And he won first prize in t'lottery 'By Gum,' said George 'that's champion No more with work I'll wrestle I'll gi' me sen a right good do An buy a flippin' castle' So off he went to agent They met in an hotel And George said, 'Well I've come to buy That's if tha wants to sell.' Ses agent, 'I must warn you Though I hope you won't be daunted But my instructions are to say The bloomin' castle's haunted!' Each night when turret clock strikes twelve A fearsome ghost appears, George rang the bell, the waiter came And George said, 'Two more beers!' Then turning to the agent said, 'Don't think I'm being rash, But well I'm used to being haunted Since I came into cash So I'm taking this here castle And ghosts as well tha' knows So if tha's nowt else to worry thee I don't care if it snows.' So deeds were signed and settled And cheques were sent off too And first night in castle, George ses, 'Now then, what's to do?' Now castle ghost had told his pals And each in hollow tones Had sworn when he arrived to freeze The marrow in his bones. The turret clock struck 12 dull strokes There came an awful din Of clanking chains and three loud groans As castle ghost walked in.' Long chains were hung upon its legs And round it's head a hood And dripping from its fingers Were gouts of crimson blood 'By gum!' ses George, 'You do look bad Hast broken out of jail? Sit down and make thisen at home Here, have a sup of ale.' 'Dost thou not tremble, wretch, to see These hands all steeped in gore?' 'Oh no' ses George, 'It's fashion now I've seen red nails afore.' The spectre vanished from the room And in its place appeared With sword stuck thro' his waistcoat A wraith wi' pointed beard 'Well, well!' ses George, 'You're in a mess Somebody done thee dirt, And chap that's stuck that sword through thee By gum he's spoiled thi' shirt!' 'Tremble mortal man,' says ghost, 'At spirit of the slain.' 'Don't wave your hands about...' ses George, 'You'll cut yourself again!' The vision slowly faded And as it grew more dim There came three solemn knocks ont' door George turned and said, 'Come in.' The door it slowly opened Without the slightest sound And from without, in accent deep A moaning voice said, 'Drowned.' A figure entered, cold and grey, In garments soaking wet, The dank weeds tangled in her hair Proclaimed the doom she'd met. She raised her hands and said, 'Beware the moated grange!' 'Nay don't be silly lass...' ses George, 'Go home and get a change.' 'Beware the moated grange.' once more The dripping figure cried, 'You take a nice hot bath...' said George, 'And get your undies dried!. Well after that, the ghosts left George They found these horrors grim And shrieks and moans and deathly groans Had no effect on him. Wi' ghosts gone George left castle Gave up his deeds and rights He said the place was lonely and Got on his nerves at nights!
The end