'E'S A WONDER WIV AN'
'AMMER AN' A NAIL
by
Will Kings
 Now, there's one bloke as I takes me 'at off to, an' that's the kind, 
What's got what you might call, a 'hengineering' turn of mind.
The bloke what puts the things to rights what's gone and broken down,
Which is the special job in life for my old pal, Joe Brown.
He's a wonder wiv an 'ammer an' a nail,
There ain't a shadder of a doubt about it,
An 'en 'ouse or a rabbit hutch he'll knock 'em up so trim,
A clothes 'orse or a mouse trap... Lor', it's all the same to 'im.
Just show 'im anything, e's got to... 'it it, 
It's nature and 'e's never known to fail,
There never was, there never will be anyone like Joe
At mucking of a thing about an' a makin' of it go.
'E fetches it a clout, the job's is done afore you know,
'E's a wonder wiv an 'ammer an'... a nail.

You orta see 'is little 'ouse, it really takes the bun,
The labour saving gadgets and improvements what 'e's done.
You'd like to 'ear 'is missus when 'er tongue begins to go,
But I reckon she's got sense, she don't start arguin' wiv Joe.
For 'e's a wonder wiv an 'ammer an' a nail,
To watch 'im is a blinkin' heducation.
If a saucepan's got an 'ole in or a kettle's lost a spout,
Or your tyre 'as got a puncture, 'e'll soon find the trouble out.
'E's bought a lorra kipper boxes lately, 
And started advertising in 'The Mail'
Some lovely furniture 'e's made, all glue an' camouflage
'E'll give you four years credit all so very fine and large
And what is more old joe will lay your lino, free of charge
'E's a wonder wiv an 'ammer an'... a nail.

You orta see Joe's chickens, Lor, 'e ain't arf got a show,
'E's made a 'Cock'rel Silencer', to stop the old bird's crow.
'E's gone an' stuck the perches all so high up in the shed,
That the cock can't stretch 'is head to crow without it 'its 'it's 'ead.
He's a wonder wiv an 'ammer an' a nail,
There ain't nobody, anywhere what can beat 'im,
When 'e was young, just as a treat... before 'e went to bed,
They'd let 'im 'it the flies asitting on 'is Grandpa's 'ead.
'E reckons, that an 'ammer's fine for gas leaks, 
An' also for the sloshin' of a snail.
If Joe Brown goes to 'Eaven, which I 'ope 'e will, that's straight
I'll make a bet you'll find 'im on the job as sure as fate,
Repairin' everybodies 'arps an' trumpets, while you wait,
He's a wonder wiv an 'ammer... an' a nail.  
The end