THE MAN WHO STAYED AT HOME
by
F. Raymond Coulson & George Wells (1914)

Mister Brown, of Turnham Green,
View'd all bikes with baleful glare,
He was never, never seen
Scorching off to anywhere.
'Oft a fall upon the head
Dislocates the vertebrae,
So I'll ride no bike,' he said.
'Home's the safest place for me!'
Mister Brown of Turnham Green,
Never motor'd out of town,
Flashing through the sylvan scene,
Cutting laggard chickens down;
Never went to hunt the deer,
Never after grouse would roam.
'No,' he cried, 'I'm safest here,
So I'd rather stay at home.'
Mister Brown of Turnham Green,
Never in the summer took
Tourist trips; he'd never been
'On the Continong' with Cook.
'Fogs and rocks and tempests grim
Menace ships that cross the foam,
And,' he cried, 'I cannot swim,
So I'm better off at home!'
Mister Brown, of Turnham Green,
Didn't care for sport at all;
Knew a fellow who had been
Crippled by a cricket ball.
Knew a man who, catching trout,
Caught a cold, and — R.I.P.
'Ah,' said Brown, 'beyond a doubt
Home, sweet home's the place for me!'
So from home at Turnham Green
Brown was never coax'd away;
Never in a train was seen,
Off to spend a happy day.
Shunning risk in ev'ry shape,
There he sipp'd his quiet cup.
But, alas! a gas escape
One bright morning blew him up.