THE OLD CASTLE
by
Charles W. Anson
During a recent holiday I visited an ancient ruin. It was towards evening and I fancy the custodian must have had a long and tiring day. It seemed possible that he had mixed other things besides the facts for he gave me the following extraordinary information as the history of the place.
 It is an ancient castle, sir, in fact it's very old
'Twas 'ere when I was born, sir, an' before that, so I'm told
The architect was Wren, sir, in B.C. sixty-six
The masonry's of stone, sir, and the brick-work's made of bricks
A 'istory? Lor, bless yer, sir! That's just what it 'as got
Why Julius Caesar once played bowls up on this very spot
An' someone cried, "Great Caesar! The Armada is in sight!"
'E played 'is shot an' murmured, "Curfew shall not ring to night"

'Ere Richard of the Lying 'eart for years in prison lay
Till Blondin sang an' they was glad to let 'im get away
Agin' that oak tree over there, Sir Isaac Newton stood
An apple on 'is 'ead was cut in two by Robin 'ood
Among its leafy branches wicked Guy Fawkes was concealed
An' Charles the First signed Magnum Bonum in that very field
Napoleon - old Boney - landed close by on the shore
An' turning to the sea 'e bade the waves advance no more

That patch of mud across the path is where Queen Anne 'eld back
Until Sir Walter Scott stepped forth and on it threw 'is mac'
Yes! that's the very mud, sir, Oh it's genuine all right,
For since that day it's been watered every night
That is the only 'chip off the old block' now that survives
Oliver Cromwell on it, sir, beheaded all his wives
'ere Lady Jane Grey first was seized with Calais on the brain
An' when her doctor told 'er, sir, she never smiled again.

'ere Queen Bess drove 'er chariot, right through the foreign 'ost
An' that there tower is 'aunted by Fair Rosamund's dark ghost
A chap named 'Erbert with 'ot irons put out both 'er eyes
Then drowned 'er in a glass of Maundy wine to stop 'er cries
That's all that I remember now, o' course there is lots more
An' if you're passing any time, Oh thank you, sir, I'm sure
I gave the aged man a tip and said, "Please don't forget
To tell all future sight-seers... Ananias lives here yet!"


Note. Ananias - a biblical character who lied to God.  
The end