THE OTHER DEPARTMENT, PLEASE
by Worton David, Bert Lee and Harry Fragson (1912) performed by Harry Fragson I promised the wife the other day A yard of lace I'd bring From one of those Department Stores Where they sell ev'rything: So if you've got an hour or two Or three or four to spare, I'll tell you just exactly All the things that happened there: I went to Counter Number One, The shopman said, 'How do? It's been a lovely day today, What can I do for you?' I said, 'I want a yard of lace To match this for the wife.' 'All right' said he - 'now here you see An easy chair - and china ware Some pictures rare - a bob the pair - And here I've got - a baby's cot It's made for one, but holds a lot, I think you'll find it meets the case, But if you're only wanting lace The other department, if you please, Straight on and up the stairs.' So up the stairs I went at once, The shopman said, 'How do? It's been a lovely day today, What can I do for you?' I said 'I want a yard of lace To match this for the wife.' 'All right' said he - 'now here you see Some bowler hats - and choice cravats Some shirts galore - at one and four, With tails we charge you sixpence more And lots and lots of ties with spots And sailor's knots, with purple dots, But if it's lace that you require, You'll have to mount a little higher, The other department, if you please, Straight on and up the stairs. So up the stairs I went again, The shopman said, 'How do? It's been a lovely day today, What can I do for you?' I said 'I want a yard of lace To match this for the wife.' 'All right' said he - now here you see Upon this floor - we've books galore; Now here's a book - that's worth a look 'All men are Liars' by Doctor Cook; Smyth Pigott's book, 'Why Woman Sins,' A sequel to 'The Heavenly Twins,' Another here - 'What Winston Did,' Appropriately bound in 'Kid:' But if it's lace you want to buy I'm much afraid you'll have to try The other department, if you please, Straight on and up the stairs. So up the stairs I went again, The shopman said 'How do? It's been a lovely day today, What can I do for you?' I said, 'I want a yard of lace To match this for the wife.' 'All right' said he - now here you see Some marmalade - of ev'ry shade A lovely cheese - that walks with ease Creates a breeze - and warbles glees We've ham and lamb - and pots of jam And potted meat from Uncle Sam; And pickled pork, that's learnt to talk, And eggs - God bless the Duke of York! But if it's lace you've come to get, You'll have to travel higher yet, The other department, if you please, Straight on and up the stairs. So up the stairs I went again, The shopman said, 'How do? It's been a lovely day today, What can I do for you? I said 'I want a yard of lace To match this for the wife.' 'Alright' said he, 'now here you see Some ladies' socks - with fancy clocks They're simply prime - they never chime, But when it rains you see the time We've blouses rare - beyond compare They're rather bare - just here and there But as they let in lots of air, We've christened them 'Maud Allan' 'wear: But if it's lace you're anxious for, You'll find it on the bottom floor, The other department, if you please, Straight on and down the stairs. Then down the stairs I went again, I found the place at last; The shopman murmured, 'What's for you?' My heart was beating fast: I said 'I want a yard of lace To match this for the wife.' I've never had a search like this Before in all my life;' Then as a smile spread over his face, I handed to him that sample of lace: 'I want a yard like that, sir,' I cried, But he with clarion voice replied, 'I'm sorry, sir, to put you about, But that kind of lace, sir... I've just sold out.
The end