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THE OTHER DEPARTMENT, PLEASE
by
Worton David, Bert Lee and Harry Fragson (1912)

Performed by Harry Fragson

I promised the wife the other day
A yard of lace I'd bring
From one of those Department Stores
Where they sell ev'rything:
So if you've got an hour or two
Or three or four to spare,
I'll tell you just exactly
All the things that happened there:

I went to Counter Number One,
The shopman said, 'How do?
It's been a lovely day today,
What can I do for you?'
I said, 'I want a yard of lace
To match this for the wife.'
'All right' said he - 'now here you see
An easy chair - and china ware
Some pictures rare - a bob the pair -
And here I've got - a baby's cot
It's made for one, but holds a lot,
I think you'll find it meets the case,
But if you're only wanting lace
The other department, if you please,
Straight on and up the stairs.'

So up the stairs I went at once,
The shopman said, 'How do?
It's been a lovely day today,
What can I do for you?'
I said 'I want a yard of lace
To match this for the wife.'
'All right' said he - 'now here you see
Some bowler hats - and choice cravats
Some shirts galore - at one and four,
With tails we charge you sixpence more
And lots and lots of ties with spots
And sailor's knots, with purple dots,
But if it's lace that you require,
You'll have to mount a little higher,
The other department, if you please,
Straight on and up the stairs.

So up the stairs I went again,
The shopman said, 'How do?
It's been a lovely day today,
What can I do for you?'
I said 'I want a yard of lace
To match this for the wife.'
'All right' said he - now here you see
Upon this floor - we've books galore;
Now here's a book - that's worth a look
'All men are Liars' by Doctor Cook;
Smyth Pigott's book, 'Why Woman Sins,'
A sequel to 'The Heavenly Twins,'
Another here - 'What Winston Did,'
Appropriately bound in 'Kid:'
But if it's lace you want to buy
I'm much afraid you'll have to try
The other department, if you please,
Straight on and up the stairs.

So up the stairs I went again,
The shopman said 'How do?
It's been a lovely day today,
What can I do for you?'
I said, 'I want a yard of lace
To match this for the wife.'
'All right' said he - now here you see
Some marmalade - of ev'ry shade
A lovely cheese - that walks with ease
Creates a breeze - and warbles glees
We've ham and lamb - and pots of jam
And potted meat from Uncle Sam;
And pickled pork, that's learnt to talk,
And eggs - God bless the Duke of York!
But if it's lace you've come to get,
You'll have to travel higher yet,
The other department, if you please,
Straight on and up the stairs.

So up the stairs I went again,
The shopman said, 'How do?
It's been a lovely day today,
What can I do for you?
I said 'I want a yard of lace
To match this for the wife.'
'Alright' said he, 'now here you see
Some ladies' socks - with fancy clocks
They're simply prime - they never chime,
But when it rains you see the time
We've blouses rare - beyond compare
They're rather bare - just here and there
But as they let in lots of air,
We've christened them 'Maud Allan' 'wear:
But if it's lace you're anxious for,
You'll find it on the bottom floor,
The other department, if you please,
Straight on and down the stairs.

Then down the stairs I went again,
I found the place at last;
The shopman murmured, 'What's for you?'
My heart was beating fast:
I said 'I want a yard of lace
To match this for the wife.'
I've never had a search like this
Before in all my life;'
Then as a smile spread over his face,
I handed to him that sample of lace:
'I want a yard like that, sir,' I cried,
But he with clarion voice replied,
'I'm sorry, sir, to put you about,
But that kind of lace, sir...
I've just sold out.

 
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