THAT CAT
by
Robert Rutherford - 1926
 Taffy was a tom-cat, Taffy was a thief,
Taffy came to my house and stole a lump of beef.
That put his number up, I swore right on the spot, 
Though cats have got nine lives, I'd have the bloomin' lot.

So I sent him down to Suffolk, 
Just to spend a long vacation,
The climate was too hot for him 
And he died of 'SUFFOLK-ATION'
Number One: Number One: He went down grey but he came back 'dun.'

Our housemaid weighs eleven stone, 
Last week she scrubbed the friezes,
She knelt on Taffy by mistake 
And he died of 'HOUSEMAID'S KNEES-IS.'
Number Two: Number Two: 
It's such a 'kneezy' thing to do.

One night when singing on the tiles,
He slipped on a cadenza,
He tumbled down the flue and stuck,
And he died of 'IN-FLU-EN-ZA.'
Number Three: Number Three: 
It 'soot-ed' him and it suited me.

I cleaned his coat with benzoline,
It caused such admiration,
But when he chewed a sparking-plug,
It set up 'INFLAMMATION.'
Number Four: Number Four: 
A plug in hand is worth two in the jaw.

He sat down on a sewing machine,
It set off like a gale, sir,
Poor Taffy howled, and died from a stitch,
In his 'THEREBY-HANGS-A-TAIL.' SIR.
Number Five: Number Five: 
He'd soon have died if he'd kept alive.

The house fell down and there he lay,
Wedged underneath a rafter.
His head came out at half-past nine,
And 'HIS END CAME' shortly after.
Number Six: Number Six: 
A Manx cat has no ap-pen-dix.

His sordid life and love affairs
Brought on another closure.
His tale got in the Sunday press,
And he perished from 'EXPOSURE.'
Number Seven: Number Seven: 
And now he's gone but it's not to Heaven.

He meowed with pains inside his tank,
I thought he'd got colitis.
The vet said, 'He's been eating tar! 
Death is due to GAS-TAR-ITIS.'
Number Eight: Number Eight: 
His pantry was in a 'tar'-rible state.

I said he's only once to die,
And then no more he'll pester us.
I threw a plant and down he went,
In the 'WRECK OF THE ASPIDISTRAS'
Number Nine: Number Nine: 
It caught him under the plimsoll Line,
It struck him just like a floating mine.
It knocked him right into Auld Lang Syne,
And that was the end of poor old Taffy.  
The end