ARTHUR AND SAM
(They got on the fost'un as came)
by
Roger Watson
Now Arthur and Sam they were brothers
Who had spent all their lives pretty near
In a place as is called Ostley Woodhouse
That's near Ostley in Derbyshire

Of vices they hadn't got many
They said 'smoking and drinking's for fools'
But they both clubbed together each week wi'out fail
And had 10 bob on th'old football pools

Now folks use to say that were 10 bob down drain
There was better things they could have done
And they'd never see owt of their money again '
Til one week they upped and they won

There were only nine draws on coupon that week
And Arthur and Sam had got eight
A bloke come from papers to ask how they felt
And both on 'em said 'Bloody Great'

Next wednesday a fellow come round wi the cheque
It was 50 odd thousand they drew
And Sam went straight out for a new suit of clothes
And Arthur Said 'I'll get one too'

So they decked themselves out like a real pair of toffs
With silk waistcoats and long woolly vests
Then they sat them sens down by side of the fire
To work out what to do wi the rest

Now they both allus wanted to travel
And as lads their heads had been full
Of far away places with strange sounding names
Like Scunthorpe and Barnsley and Hull

So they made up their minds for to go round the world
But problem was where to go first
Ses Arthur 'Calcutta', ses Sam 'Matlock Bath'
So they tossed up and Matlock Bath lost

Next day they went out and each bought a new Mac
In case it should come on to rain
Then they went to the bus stop at end of their street
And they got on the first 'un as came

'Two to Calcutta how much'll that be?'
Said Sam as conductor drew near
But conductor looked at him and then shook his head
And ses 'Nay lad we dunno go theer'

'We can tek thee to Ostley', 'alreet then' said Sam
'We mun change there and then try agen'
So they got off at Ostley and waited at stop
And they got on the first 'un as came

'Two to Calcutta, have you change for a pound?'
Conductor looked at them reet queer
And he pulls a big timetable out of his bag
And ses 'Nay lad we dunno go theer!

You mun get off at Derby and then tek a coach'
Sam said, 'Thank you' and Arthur said same
So they went to bus station where coaches go from
And they got on the first 'un as came

'Two to Calcutta, what time do you get there?'
Said Sam as conductor appeared
But poor feller blinked and then scrat his head
And said 'Nay lad we dunno go theer!'

Well they wandered through England, Through France and through Spain
And folks allus told them the same
They travelled on trains and boats and planes
And they allus got first one as came

They heard lots of language they couldn't mek out
But message come through loud and clear
It was 'parles vous Francais' and 'Sprecken sie Deutsch'
And 'Nay lad we dunno go theer'

But they stuck to their guns and they never give up
Til one morning in some foreign place
They saw 'Calcutta' on front of a bus
As plain as the nose on your face

So they got to Calcutta and had a look round
And went into a café for some snap
But they'd no fish and chips nor home-made steak pies
Just curries and all of that … stuff

Ses Sam 'I'd give owt for a nice plate of tripe'
And Arthur said 'he felt the same'
So they crossed the street for to get the bus home
And they got on the first 'un as came

Aye they got on the bus and they sat themsens down
Folks around them was all black as night
And conductor were too but oh when he smiled
His teeth showed up lovely and white

They heard lots of language they couldn't mek out
But message come through loud and clear
It was 'parles vous Francais' and 'Sprecken sie Deutsch'
And 'Nay lad we dunno go theer'

But they stuck to their guns and they never give up
Til one morning in some foreign place
They saw 'Calcutta' on front of a bus
As plain as the nose on your face

So they got to Calcutta and had a look round
And went into a café for some snap
But they'd no fish and chips nor home-made steak pies
Just curries and all of that... stuff

Ses Sam 'I'd give owt for a nice plate of tripe'
And Arthur said, he felt the same
So they crossed the street for to get the bus home
And they got on the first 'un as came

Aye they got on the bus and they sat themsens down
Folks around them was all black as night
And conductor were too but oh when he smiled
His teeth showed up lovely and white

'Two singles to Ostley' said Arthur and Sam
And conductor replied pretty prompt
And with a nod of his head he said
'Is't Ossley or Ossley Wood' us tha wants?'

The end