So they decked themselves out like a real pair of toffs
With silk waistcoats and long woolly vests
Then they sat them sens down by side of the fire
To work out what to do wi the rest

Now they both allus wanted to travel
And as lads their heads had been full
Of far away places with strange sounding names
Like Scunthorpe and Barnsley and Hull

So they made up their minds for to go round the world
But problem was where to go first
Ses Arthur "Calcutta", ses Sam "Matlock Bath"
So they tossed up and Matlock Bath lost

Next day they went out and each bought a new Mac
In case it should come on to rain
Then they went to the bus stop at end of their street
And they got on the first 'un as came

"Two to Calcutta how much'll that be?"
Said Sam as conductor drew near
But conductor looked at him and then shook his head
And ses "Nay lad we dunno go theer"

  "We can tek thee to Ostley", "alreet then" said Sam
"We mun change there and then try agen"
So they got off at Ostley and waited at stop
And they got on the first 'un as came/p>

"Two to Calcutta, have you change for a pound?"
Conductor looked at them reet queer
And he pulls a big timetable out of his bag
And ses "Nay lad we dunno go theer!

You mun get off at Derby and then tek a coach"
Sam said "thank you" and Arthur said same
So they went to bus station where coaches go from
And they got on the first 'un as came

"Two to Calcutta, what time do you get there?"
Said Sam as conductor appeared
But poor feller blinked and then scrat his head
And said "Nay lad we dunno go theer!"

Well they wandered through England, Through France and through Spain
And folks allus told them the same
They travelled on trains and boats and planes
And they allus got first one as came

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