They heard lots of language they couldn't mek out
But message come through loud and clear
It was "parles vous Francais" and "Sprecken sie Deutsch"
And "Nay lad we dunno go theer"

But they stuck to their guns and they never give up
Til one morning in some foreign place
They saw "Calcutta" on front of a bus
As plain as the nose on your face

So they got to Calcutta and had a look round
And went into a café for some snap
But they'd no fish and chips nor home-made steak pies
Just curries and all of that … stuff

Ses Sam "I'd give owt for a nice plate of tripe"
And Arthur said "he felt the same"
So they crossed the street for to get the bus home
And they got on the first 'un as came

Aye they got on the bus and they sat themsens down
Folks around them was all black as night
And conductor were too but oh when he smiled
His teeth showed up lovely and white

  "Two singles to Ostley" said Arthur and Sam
And conductor replied pretty prompt
And with a nod of his head he said
"Is't Ossley or Ossley Wood'us tha wants?"

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