One fella kept saying his wife was a hooker,
But he played with a slice and he couldn’t do a thing,
I said not a word, for I’d learned my lesson,
But then sure he asked me what way did I swing!

He asked who I played with first thing in the morning,
A remark I thought personal – it cut like a knife!
He said they were short of a man for a foursome,
Would I like to play a round with him and his wife!

Well, his Missus, she waved across the room at me,
A woman so huge that a bus she could fill,
She’d a grin like a set of headstones in a graveyard,
With a set of false teeth Shergar left in his will!

Well, I thought to myself, this is worse than Ballymena,
As I stood in the corner, with my back to the wall,
Then the wife headed over, and at that point I panicked,
And knocked yer man down, as I run down the hall!

The next night I headed for a part of the city,
Where the kerbs are all painted with gold, white and green,
And all the graffiti was written in Irish,
And there wasn't a tax disc on any windscreen!
  I fell in straightaway with great bunch of fellas,
With great big long beards like your man Ronnie Drew
They were talking of setting up a Workers Republic,
Which seemed a bit odd, 'cos they're all on the Broo!

One fellow asked what I thought of Karl Marx
His works, his ideas, his brilliance and flair,
Says I, "The only one I knowed was Groucho,
Was it Karl had the hat, or the wild curly hair?"

He asked me again if I knew much of Lenin,
And the role that he played in the great workers fight,
Says I, "He was great when he worked with McCartney,
But thon Yoko Ono - she wasn't half right!

This fella, he called me an Ignorant Gobshite,
And a Tool of the Capitalist Oppressor to boot.
He shouted "Agus na habair aon focail eile"
As he waggled his finger right under me snout.

Now, sad to relate, I don't speak the language,
What he said was not what I thought I had heard,
So due to the lack of an accurate translation,
I drew out and hit him a smack in the beard!
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