The barmaid was older than what I was used to,
And there was only one customer, dressed all in black,
Says I, It's an odd way to run a such a business,
But I'll try a wee whiskey, just for the crack!

The Old Doll looked at me like I was the Devil,
And says, "We never serve strong drink in here,
This is the Pioneer Temperance Society,
That's why we call it the 'Pub With No Beer'!

She gave me a spiel on the evils of liquor,
It rotted your guts and it addled your brain,
I ought to give money to help out good causes,
Instead of pissing it all down the drain!

Says I "Sure Missus, I know what you're meaning -
The drink is the reason I'm here in your club!
I'm too easily annoyed when I'm under the influence,
If it wasn't for drink, I could go down the pub!

Well, your man came across with a tin that he rattled,
We're collecting to save fallen women, says he.
There's no better thing you could do, sure I told him,
If I slip you a tenner, could you save one for me?

The Old Doll, she called me an ungrateful heathen,
A spawn of the Devil, and a black-hearted brute.
  Now you surely don't think I would hit an old woman,
So I took a good thump at your man in the suit!

It was not till he fell with his eye sort of blackened,
That I noticed his shirt collar looked a bit queer.
It seems I had walloped a Priest of the Parish,
So I'm bloody well barred from the Pub With No Beer!

It seems that I'm cursed with the oddest affliction,
Wherever I go, it just follows me there,
Each time I go out with the best of intentions,
And some buckin' eejit starts driving me spare!

Each pub that I enter I get the same greeting,
A rapid Bum's Rush, straight out through the door!
I've had to give up on my wandering and drinking,
For I'm known to each barman as a Nasty Wee Hoor!

So at home with my Kathleen, my poor wife, you'll find me,
Sat by the fire, with a can in my paw,
For there isn't a pub that I dare set my foot in,
And that's why they call me the 'Barred' of Armagh!

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