THE DIAGONAL STEAM-TRAP
by
Crawford Howard

Now they built a big ship down in Harland's
She was made for to sell to the Turks-
And they called on the Yard's chief designer
To design all the engines and works.

Now finally the engines was ready
And they screwed in the very last part
An' yer man says `Let's see how she runs, lads!
An' bejasus! the thing wouldn't start!

So they pushed and they worked an' they footered
An' the engineers' faces got red
The designer he stood lookin' stupid
An' scratchin' the back o' his head.

But while they were fiddlin' and workin'
Up danders oul' Jimmie Dalzell
He had worked twenty years in the `Island'
And ten in the `aircraft' as well.

So he pushed and he worked and he muttered
Till he got himself through to the front

  And he has a good look roun' the engine
An' he gives a few mutters and grunts,

And then he looks up at the gaffer
An' says he `Mr Smith, d'ye know?
They've left out the Diagonal Steam Trap!
How the hell d'ye think it could go?'

Now the engineer eyed the designer
The designer he looks at the `hat'
And they whispered the one to the other
Diagonal Steam Trap? What's that?'

But the Gaffer, he wouldn't admit, like
To not knowin' what this was about,
So he says `Right enough, we were stupid!
The Diagonal Steam Trap's left out!'

Now in the meantime oul' Jimmie had scarpered
Away down to throw in his boord
And the Gaffer comes up and says `Jimmy!
D'ye think we could have a wee word.

Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap?
I know it's left out - it's bad luck
But the engine shop's terrible busy
D'ye think ye could knock us one up?'

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