THE DRINKING TEST
by
Alan Lavercombe
'Twas the height of the boozing season
In the land of M. & B's. best,
When young Georgie Green, a lad of eighteen
Was taking his drinking test.

For this day was his eighteenth birthday
And there's one thing a lad that age hates:
It's having a provisional licence,
Well, you feel a berk wearing 'L' plates!

It was twelve o'clock sharp on the Sunday
His testing was due to begin
And Georgie was leaning against the front door,
So he'd be the first to fall in.

Course, Georgie was first to the bar to get served,
The examiner was really impressed,
He got full marks for chatting the barmaid,
As he leered down the front of her dress.

For his eye test he read the bar price list,
The examiner sttod back in surprise,
To find the thing, let alone read it,
This lad must have bloody sharp eyes.

Well, the session got started in earnest,
He had style, generations of breeding,
But he slowed down a bit, well, he was on his test
And did not want to get done for speeding.

With the landlord and landlady both busy serving
And the barmaid was stacking a shelf,
He somehow got all their attention
When he called out 'And one for yourself.'

He reversed from the bar with a full tray of drinks,
Then did an emergency stop
And a three-point turn at the landlord's dog
Without spilling one single drop.

The examiner thought 'He's a natural, this kid,
How easy he makes it all look.'
When he questioned the lad on the Drinking Code,
You'd have thought Georgie'd written the book.

'I've seen enough.' said the examiner,
'It's the first case that I've ever seen
Of anyone getting full marks on a test
On the very day he was eighteen.'

He gave him a slip saying he'd passed him,
And everyone gave him three cheers.
'Well done! How d'yer do it?' they asked him. .....He said
'I've been practicing now for three years.'
The end