FISHCAKES
by
Alan Lavercombe 1975
T' other night, for me tea, t' wife did fishcakes,
Now that always puts me in mind
Of the day that fishcakes was invented,
T' were year dot, and a Friday you'll find.

I recall it were just before Easter,
P'raps the year before, now let me think,
Me first annual Passover outing,
First time Mam an' Dad let me drink.

Wallace Arnold took us to the seaside,
Though the season 'ad not started yet,
There were bugger-all live entertainment,
Or things to do when it were wet.

Exceptin' for goin' to see t' hippies
Wot 'ung around under t' North Pier,
Which were 'andy for t' big fish an' chip shop,
Wi' a pub an' a toilet quite near.

They was called J.C. an' 'is Disciples,
An' tha should 'ave seen t' things that they did,
Well, they've written a book about J.C.,
Ee bah gum, 'e were good were this kid!

Now, the word 'ad got round that our hero, J.C.
Could make sick people well wi' 'is 'ands.
They was queuein' in t' water to see 'im,
'Cos there weren't no more room on the sands.

Then, when t' pubs chucked out at two thirty,
There'd be, ooh, ... five thousand, I'd say,
Which was more than us 'ad at New Trafford
When Nazareth Town came to play.

Then a copper rode up on 'is camel
To see what the fuss were about,
An' t' crowd says 'We've coom to see t' faith-'ealer chap,
That is right .... 'e does it for nowt?'

Then t' Constabule chap says, 'Tha's missed 'im,
But I saw 'im meself yesterday. 'E' s fixed my poorly knee.'
Then 'e points out to sea, an' says
' 'E walked off, ..... Thataway.'

Well, some of us tried walkin' after,
But soon found us-selves in a jam,
Well, we'd 'ad some to drink and us started to sink,
So us all made a dash for t' tram.

But t' conductor says 'Room for three standing,
An' besides, it'll cost fourpence each.'
That were too much to pay for a ride around t' bay,
So us set off for t' walk along t' beach.

Well, it took us all next day to find 'im,
We were shagged out, me Mam, Dad an' me,
We'd come a long way. 'JEEZUS CHRIST!' we say,
'Hey, We bin lookin' all over for thee!'

'We was due back at work Monday mornin',
Now we're all gonna be a day late.
We'll likely get t' sack if us ever gets back.
Tha's cocked up our Passover, mate!'

Then Sam Postlethwaite interrupted,
Says 'Excuse me for bein' so rude,
But I'm on t' Catering Committee
And we've run short of brown ale ..... an' food.'

'We thought we'd run out altogether,
But the Angling Club chaps stopped an' thought,
They'd five loaves they were using for ground-bait,
Plus the two fish they'd already caught.'

'Now, Treasurer an' t' Finance Committee
'Ave just organized a whip-round,
They've raised two hundred p., an' that, let me see,
In the new money that's ..... aye, just two pounds.'

'But the shops is all shut for t' Passover.'
J.C. says 'What d'yer expect me to do?'
'Well, we'd 'eard you'd got friends in high places,
That is if the rumours are true.'

'Can yer be a good lad? 'Ave a word wi' yer Dad,
Tell 'im this 'ere's all t' food we could find.'
J.C. says 'Well, O.K., I could 'ave a quick pray,
But don't expect miracles, mind!'

'Aye oop, Dad.' says J.C. 'e were praying, like this,
As if talkin' to ..... well, you know.
'E says 'Five thousand customers, that's too good to miss,
Get thy finger out, Dad, 'ave a go!'

But 'is Dad says 'Six days shalt thou labour!'
'Don't muck about, Dad, I'm in trouble,
An' I've only twelve mates. I'll pay union rates.....
Time an' 'alf to you, Dad!' ..... 'Nay, son, double!'

'Eee, our Dad, you do drive an 'ard bargain,
But no trimmings, let me make a few bob,
I don't want 'em frightenin' wi t' flashes of lightnin'.
Just a straightforward caterin' job!'

'E's set to wi' t' five loaves an' two fishes,
'Ow 'e's managed it no one can tell,
Not even 'is son, least 'e never let on
What else 'is Dad's chucked in as well.

But 'e's fed the five thousand wi' some left to spare
Afore us went 'ome from us Wakes.
'E's looked down on t' do from 'is 'Birdseye' view
An' says 'Eee, I've created fishcakes!'
The end