So they fixed up a match against t' inmates,
But t' Guv'nor says "Sam, this won't do!"

"Who's goin' to keep an eye out on t' patients?"
"No problem." says Sam, "Easy done.
'Cos we know that the ones who aren't playin'
Always stand round an' watch, just for t' fun."

So t' Guv'nor relented, says "Play 'em next week.
If tha gets beat, tha'll all look right fools.
Just make sure there's only t' same number of them,
An' tha'd best start by learnin' all t' rules."

Now the day of the big match was 'ere at last
And the weather 'ad turned out quite nice.
They consulted this fella called Accrington Stan
For some last minute words of advice.

Though 'e knew all of t' rules, Stanley just couldn't play,
'Cos t' poor lad 'e were practic'ly blind.
They felt sorry for t' lad, 'e did not 'ave a dad,
Least, not one 'is mother could find.

"Tha'd best come on t' field where tha can see us." said Sam,
Tha knows t' rules best, so tha's gotten t' job.
  Then, if we go wrong, just tha bash this 'ere gong,
Better still, stick this whistle in t' gob."

So, all t' loonies an' idiots not playin' in t' match
Stood round t' edge, telling them 'ow to play,
All shoutin' an' swearin' at t' short-sighted ref,
Which is 'ow football is to this day.

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