I’m a farmer, at that certain age, when things begin to go,
Like waist and hair, and things down there, that kinda thing, you know?
The wife is on thon HRT, and lots of pills and potions,
And is getting fancy hairdos, and lots of funny notions.
Well, her and me, had words, ye see - one thing led to another,
And begod she upped and left me, and run aff with another!
Well, I himm’d and ha’d a day or two, and thought she would be back,
But after about a fortnight, my resolve began to crack.
I was getting tired of bread and jam, and needed a good roast,
If I only knowed the recipe, I’d have tried to make some toast!
The fridge was totally empty, there was nothing on the shelf
I was ateing beans from the saucepan, ‘cos I’d used up all the delft!
Well, one night I got to thinking, that my life is worth damn all,
So I found a great big bottle of pills, and resolved to end it all.
I got a mug of water, and put the bottle to my head,
And I horsed the whole lot intae me, and headed aff to bed.
Well, I woke up feeling brilliant, and I couldn’t tell the reason,
I knew at once I wasn’t dead, because my feet were bloody freezing!
I found the empty bottle of pills, and got my glasses out to see,
And realized I’d swallowed three months supply of HRT!
I washed and shaved, and changed my shirt, and felt like a new man,
Then I headed for the kitchen, to hunt out the frying pan.
Well the sink was piled with dishes, and it gave me such a fright
How the Hell had I not seen that, when I went to bed last night?
The cooker top was minging, and the floor was black with grime,
So I started in to cleaning up, and I just forgot the time.
There was not one thing in that whole house that didn’t get a wash.
I was oxter deep in Ajax, Cillit Bang and Vim and Flash
I used up all the Fairy Liquid, and begod, it never fails
It even lifted the cow dung from underneath my nails!
I dusted all the ornaments, and the presents from the past
But I could tell you when each one was bought, and exactly what it cost!
I collected all the washing - it was piled up to the sky
And I separated out the whites, though I had no idea why,
I stared at the knobs on the washing machine, in total bafflement,
And realized to my surprise, that I knew what some of them meant!
Well, I got it up and going, and then I made myself some tay,
And I rung Oul Mrs McGoldrick, just to see what she had to say.
I totally surprised myself, at some of the things I said,
Her daughter had a new baby, and I asked how much it weighed!
Well, I headed out round dinnertime, to clean up the pigsties,
Pausing just to change my wellies, ‘cos they didn’t match my eyes!
I changed my routine slightly, I’m not sure exactly how,
But I got this urge to warm my hands, before I milked the cow.
I wore my brand new dungarees, tucked into my wellie tops,
But every couple of minutes, I kept adjusting the straps!
I felt so full of energy, that I just could not sit still,
I was washing, hosing, painting, and scrubbing with a will.
Before the week was out, Begod, You wouldn’ta known the place,
Everything so shining bright, it could be seen from outer space!
I tried to lie and watch TV, and scratch my nether regions,
But I just kept seeing things to clean – ideas came in legions.
I sat through Coronation Street - thon Norris gets my goat
And I even watched the adverts, without flicking the remote!
I moved round all the furniture, I washed and cleaned the beds,
I re-shuffled the machinery, outside in all the sheds,
I couldn’t start the silage, for I didn’t want to be seen
With a big RED silage trailer, when the bloody tractor’s GREEN!
So I thought I’d take a mini break, just for a couple of days,
To see if I could settle down, and cure this cleaning craze.
So I hunted out my suit and cap, and gave the welly boots a wipe,
And headed off to Keady, with the tractor full’o’the pipe!
I went in to one of them hair saloons, to tidy up the thatch,
The chairs were all black leather, and the ‘boys’ all dressed to match
The one that done it seemed surprised, for he asked me at least twice,
But I got a very nice blue rinse, and he only charged half price!
The next day was a Thursday, and I thought that I just might go,
And take the train down to Balmoral, to see the Agricultural Show,
Well, I headed off right early, but just as the train was stopping,
I got this sudden awful urge – I NEEDED to go SHOPPING!
I just could not control myself, so I had to sit back down,
And got off at Great Victoria St, and headed down the town!
The sale was on at Debenhams, and so I simply had to stop,
Some things cost only TWICE as much as they would in a normal shop.
They had all these great designer clothes, laid out on this big table.
Twenty quid for a pair of jeans, plus fifty for the label.
I must have spent an hour or two, in women’s underwear,
I was strangely drawn to garments that I knew I couldn’t wear
I got a lot of funny looks from all them city slickers,
Feeling all the brassieres, and stretching all the knickers,
I wandered round soft furnishings, with great deliberating
Their range of scatter cushions was quite simply fascinating
I bought a mat for beside the fire, to cover a wee burnt patch,
Then I had to get new curtains, because the old ones didn’t match.
And then I saw a three-piece suite, that would suit them all so nice,
And I saved a ball of money, ‘cos the mat was just half price!
I headed for the shoe shop, ‘cos I hadn’t a thing to wear,
It took the most of the afternoon to choose the right five pair.
I got myself a couple of suits, ‘cos mine was not that great
I had got it from a bomb-damage, in nineteen seventy-eight
I got myself a wardrobe – a flatpack from MFI,
The last one I attempted was enough to make you cry.
It leaned a kinda sideways, and I could not get in the rails
It ended up I had to fix it with a wheen of three inch nails
But this time it was easy, it did not break my heart
I just read the instructions, before I made a start!
I went to a Daniel O’Donnell show, and met this strange big woman,
She’s got her own wee farm as well, so we have a lot in common
Her hair’s a blue rinse crew cut, and she wears big dungarees,
And a pair of them Doc Marten boots, laced right up to her knees.
I was wearing my pink boiler suit, and she kinda dandered over,
And asked me round to her place, to help fix her front end loader
She thinks the oul’ hydraulics gone, for she can’t get it to rise,
But when I get out my tool kit, she might get a big surprise!
So you never know what lies ahead, what the next event will be,
For life’s just one big adventure, for a bloke on HRT.