I got a mug of water, and put the bottle to my head,
And I horsed the whole lot intae me, and headed aff to bed.

Well, I woke up feeling brilliant, and I couldn’t tell the reason,
I knew at once I wasn’t dead, because my feet were bloody freezing!
I found the empty bottle of pills, and got my glasses out to see,
And realized I’d swallowed three months supply of HRT!
I washed and shaved, and changed my shirt, and felt like a new man,
Then I headed for the kitchen, to hunt out the frying pan.

Well the sink was piled with dishes, and it gave me such a fright
How the Hell had I not seen that, when I went to bed last night?
The cooker top was minging, and the floor was black with grime,
So I started in to cleaning up, and I just forgot the time.
  There was not one thing in that whole house that didn’t get a wash.
I was oxter deep in Ajax, Cillit Bang and Vim and Flash
I used up all the Fairy Liquid, and begod, it never fails
It even lifted the cow dung from underneath my nails!
I dusted all the ornaments, and the presents from the past
But I could tell you when each one was bought, and exactly what it cost!

I collected all the washing - it was piled up to the sky
And I separated out the whites, though I had no idea why,
I stared at the knobs on the washing machine, in total bafflement,
And realized to my surprise, that I knew what some of them meant!
Well, I got it up and going, and then I made myself some tay,
And I rung Oul Mrs McGoldrick, just to see what she had to say.
I totally surprised myself, at some of the things I said,
Her daughter had a new baby, and I asked how much it weighed!
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