THE HANGING OF FILTHY JAKE
by
Brian Jacques
An uproar swept the courtroom, the judge roared out in fury,
'I'll clear the court if there's any attempt to tamper wid the jury!'
'Meanie!' shouted the jurors (who were campin' all over the Court)
'Silence!...' called the sheriff 'and bring in Nosegay the Sport.'

Considerin' he was the first witness to this foul disgraceful deed,
An' he's never been known to take a bath, the front benches cleared at speed.
'You've no need to take the oath, or give us yer name as well...
We're all aware that you're Nosegay, just by the 'orrible smell!

So tell the Court in yer very own words, what happened that night in July
Did Dirty Jake pee in the bitter, and kill Dirty Bridget MacFry?'
'He did yer worships I saw him, it was wid wilful intents
He went in the bitter 'cos he was too lazy to go to the gents.'

'That settles it!' shouted Bootless McGonigle, 'let's lynch 'im!' they took up the cry.
'Let's decorate 'im' said Little 'Erbert (the 'usband of Bridget MacFry).
When Gullible Jones, defendin' Jake said, 'Release this man I plead,
'Twas not a crime of passion, his was more a crime of need.

This man who stands before you is no murderer as you well know,
After three pints of bitter in the Dead Dog Saloon, anyone 'as ter go!'
Filthy Jake, chained in the prisoner's dock, heartily agreed with this,
And to prove his point to the Courtroom, he had another cough?

Wot wid that and Nosegay in the place the Court smelt decidedly musty.
'We'd better 'ang 'im,' said Salty Magee, 'Before 'is chains get rusty.'
'Vote in favour' said the judge, all hands shouted, 'AYE!';
We all heard Weak Bladder Flanagan say, 'There but for the grace go I''.

Jake was hauled out by the scruff of his kecks, screamin' for Aggie Lamarr
The singer from the Dead Dog Saloon (who he goosed behind the bar).
We hung Filthy Jake by his scrawny neck but if punishment suited the crime,
We'd have strung him up by a different part and left him to scream for a time.

Next morning they went to cut him down, they had to wade out to his carcase,
He was buried in a nameless grave, we didn't have to leave markers;
For a fountain sprung up on that very spot and the locals laugh and wink
Each year as the tourists come visitin', and stop to take a drink.
The end