McCLEARY'S GOLD
by
Ronnie Barker
  I woke one morning when the sun was high
It was a big red melon in a big blue sky
But a wind from the East was blowing up, kinda cold.
I looked at my watch, it was still on it's chain
I could see by the time, it was gonna rain
I thought it's just the day to search for McCleary's gold.

Now McCleary was a guy, so I've heard tell
He could ride a horse, and could ride it well.
But he couldn't shoot a gun, to save his doggone life
He took a pot-shot, at the sheriff, and missed
By all accounts he was a little bit drunk
So they strung him up, made a widow ourta his wife.

Now he'd had his gold, in a little old shack
Beyond the creek, near the railroad track
And his widow, Betty Jane, she lived there still
I knocked on the door, and she let me in
We sat in the parlour, and we drank pink gin
And we drank till the sun went down behind the hill.

Now Betty Jane was a woman and a half
And she liked to love and she liked to laugh
And she giggled and groped around like a love-sick kid;
She dragged me off to her boudoir-room.

And I thought of McCleary in his tomb
And a shiver shot through my shirt-tail, so it did.

Now I ainta gonna say what went on that night,
But I quit the shack in the early light
And I staggered out like a wrestler leaving the ring.
Now I can handle myself in a fight,
But she floored me fifteen times that night
But I was so damn drunk I didn't feel a thing.

And I realised, as I sat in the cold
I'd found romance, but I'd found no gold
And I'd come out just as poor as I'd gone in.
It was just as well, 'cos behind a tree
A beady eye was glued on we
A no-good gambling-man called Mickey Finn.

Now Mickey had been chasing Betty Jane
And our little romance had caused him pain
You could tell by the way he ground his teeth and spat
And the way he stiffened, and went all tense
And banged his head on a nearby fence,
And crossed his eyes and danced on his Stetson hat.

Now Mick was mean, and Mick warn slick 
And nobody wanted to meddle with Mick 
In spite of the fact that he's only five foot three.
When he draws his gun, you take my tip,
You run! Cos when he fires he fires from the hip
Which means he always hits you in the knee.

I staggered to my feet and back indoors
Where Betty Jane lay in her vest and drawers
While Mickey let loose with everything he'd got.
He was shouting crazy and throwing rocks
I jumped for cover like a blue-tailed fox
And from then on things began getting kinda hot.

Now I ain't a guy to stick out my neck
They can call me a coward but what the heck
If you don't surrender, you end up dead and brave
I decided, if the gold was there,
Then Mickey Finn, he could have my share.
So I started looking round for something white to wave.

I rushed to the other side of the room
And I stuck the drawers up on a broom
And I waved them out of the window for Mick to see
But his jaw went loose and his face went puce.
He thought they were a trophy, not a truce
To show him Betty Jane had given in to me!

He began to let loose with everything he'd got
And Betty Jane's drawers got riddled with shot
When suddenly, my eyes fell outta my face-
Out through a hole in that wonderful pair 
A stream of coins fell through the air 
McCleary's gold - I'd found its hiding-place.

I hurriedly wrote a note to Mick saying, 
'Stop the shooting and get here quick
We'll call it quits and share McCleary's gold.'
I wrapped it round a rock he'd thrown,
But my aim ain't quite as good as his own
He caught it with his head, and it laid him flat out cold.

Well that's the story of McCleary's gold, 
Remember men, you've all been told 
These widow-women might be middle-aged and plain
But don't let that stop you, take a tip from me
Just try your luck, it could very well be 
She's sitting on a fortune, like Betty Jane. 
The end