THE NEW PRIEST
by
Frank Daniel
Canowindra, NSW, Australia
Mrs. Jimmy Clancy was the proudest mum around —
Her youngest, ‘Little Willy’, was the new Priest in our town.
‘Ordained by the Bishop’, and all that rigmarole,
Willy was our saviour. — God bless his little soul!

And for his first performance in St. Peter’s Catholic Church
The faithful came from far and wide and took up every perch.
Not a spot was vacant — all the aisles and pews were packed,
And crowded in the foyer were some Pagans who ‘came back’.

Proudly seated up the front with all her holy crew
Was Margaret Agnes Clancy, and the old Monsignor too.
Young Father Clancy did his best — a fine and splendid job
And his Latin was superb as he blessed the local mob.

He “Dominus vobiscum’d” and the ‘sheep’ all answered back,
‘Et cum spiri tu tu oh-ing’ keeping Willy right on track.

Though he faltered just a little in his Sermon — just a bit;
His nerves were almost shattered by the time he ended it.

And when the Mass was over, he revealed his nervous plight.
But Monsignor reassured him, told him how to set things right.
‘When next you make a sermon, just beside your water glass,
Place a tumbler full of Vodka, just to help your troubles pass.

And when you feel the jitters coming, take a little sip,
You’ve done very well today my son! Remember now my tip!
Next Sunday was a ripper, the Faithful couldn’t all fit in!
Those standing in the front yard though, were still absolved of sin!

Father Willy went to town, his Gospel was first class
With a tumbler full of fortitude standing by his glass.
But the nerves came down upon him as he stood there in the pulpit.
And instead of taking little sips, poor Will began to gulp it.

His voice became all slurry and his stance somewhat cock-eyed,
And his message to the brethren had them laughin’ way outside.
He became quite incoherent, though the funny bits were clear,
Instead of ten - Will had twelve commandments we should fear.

And when only eight Apostles got a mention in his list
Paddy Murphy said ‘Fer sure, that little bugger’s hissed’.
Where Jacob wagered on his donkey, Will said he bet his ass,
Then laid the odds that it would rain before the end of Mass.

And when David slew Goliath, just to save the Israelites,
Will said he kicked Hell out of him to win the bloody fight.
He started talking feral, much the way the Hippies do,
And Jesus Christ became J.C. — Each word of this is true!

The Father, Son and Holy Ghost would surely be impressed
When referred to in a mumble as ‘Daddy-o and all the rest’.
Then Our Lady was insulted when he mentioned Virgin Mary
Referring to ‘the young blokes Mum’, as ‘Mary, quite contrary’.

He announced the bans of marriage, said Miss Wade was up the duff,
While half a dozen spinsters cried that he’d gone far enough.
Praying for dear departed souls he mentioned Mrs. Bell,
Said she’d had a mile of lovers and would now be down in Hell!

All the boozers he admonished and condemned them for their drink.
Swore he ‘never touched the stuff - Lord knows what folks might think!’
And in summation of his sermon he declared the raucous crowd
A pack of heathen devils of whom the church could not be proud!

And in a final memo, told the folk remaining there -
Of a peter-pulling contest at St. Toffee’s Easter Fair!!!
Then he roared out to the Heaven’s with hellfire and brimstone
And fell head over turkey with a death defying groan

Sure the Spirit that possessed him was not the Holy One,
And Mrs. Jimmy Clancy has disowned her youngest son!

The end