OUT FOR THE COUNT
by
Dave Carr

My sister's halloween party
Was cancelled before the weekend
'Cos she'd cricked her neck bobbin' for apples
So I found myself at a loose end

I thought I'd go hunting for vampires
Out in Transylvania they're rife;
And it’s the place to visit this year,
I read it in Lancashire Life

I knew I'd need stakes to fight vampires;
I looked to see what I could find.
I packed a few stumps in my sports bag
And a bat that Fred Flintoff had signed

I flagged down a taxi in Chorley.
It was long and shiny and black
I said "Cabby do you know Transylvania?"
He said "Aye lad, 'Op in t' back"

I got in alongside a coffin
I said "Am I having to share?"
He said "Don't worry lad, it's empty,
But I'll knock you five quid off the fare"

I studied him close in the mirror,
Which was hard 'cos he had no reflection.
I said "I never forget a face,
But in your case I'll make an exception."

He said "there's no need to get personal.
It's a long walk to Transylvania."
I said, "I didn't mean no offence,
But what do you care if I'm payin you?"

The coffin was lined wi' red velvet,
Quite inviting - I fancied a kip;
And as t’ conversation weren't sparklin'
I slept for the rest of the trip.

When I woke we were outside a castle
T’cabbie was nowhere to be found
But I noticed he’d left t’meter running
It was standing at six hundred pound.

I thought I’d keep hold of my money,
So I wrote out a quick IOU;
And so as he wouldn’t think me churlish,
I added a Euro or two.

Some Goths stood around in the shadows;
Their faces were ghastly and white.
I could tell this was no place for strangers,
Like Burnley on Saturday night

At the door stood a wench in a nightdress,
"Am I keeping you up lass?" I said.
There was Meat Loaf playing on the hi-fi
Loud enough to wake the undead.

I said "I've come to save your souls"
"Our souls!" she said, "No way!
But if you stick your neck out,
We might just let you stay."

There were ladies in white cotton nighties
All out for the count it would seem
I thought that my luck might have suddenly changed
But it's probably just that old dream!

They rose up and gathered around me
Pouting and fondling and kissing
I'd have found it all very erotic
If it hadn't have been for that hissing.

The brides were soon all upon me
When in amongst all the confusion
One of them sunk her teeth in my neck
For a quick DIY transfusion.

She said "I need your life blood;
A whole pint before dawn."
I said "Well, OK just a swift one,
But Dawn can go an' get her own"

One by one they all sucked my blood out
My poor limbs were feeble and aching.
I was too weak to get my hammer up
Never mind drive my stake in!

By now I was feeling light headed,
And I dropped down low on one knee.
I told 'em, "normally when I give blood
I get offered a nice cup of tea."

They hissed and came slowly towards me
They were just moving in at the death.
I thought about calling last orders
When one caught a whiff of my breath

I'd heard of how vampires feared garlic
So I'd had five or six garlic bread.
I blew a few kisses towards 'em
Then I sneezed several times and they fled.

A figure slid in from the shadows;
I ventured, “You must be Count Dracula.”
He said “you can call me your countship
Or Drac if you like the vernacular”

I said "Are you drinking Campari?"
As he drained the red fluid from his glass.
He replied "No it's just Bloody Mary,
She's a bleeding life saver, that lass!"

I asked "Have you not got a man's drink?
Like Lancaster Bomber on draught."
Count said "Are you trying to be funny?
'Cos I think you'll find nobody laughed!"

I said "I've got a stake for you,
You evil prince of horror"
He said "I've just had black pudding for tea
But I'll finish your steak off tomorrow"< < I said "Excuse me for asking,
Which dentist did those two crowns?
I can recommend a good blacksmith,
If you're wanting 'em trimmed or filed down"

Count said "Now lad, I'm still thirsty,
And I do like the look of your neck.
Your garlic bread holds no fear for me;
Come along now - just a quick peck"

He drifted idly towards me
And held me transfixed with his eye;
I was just about running on empty
As his fangs started bleeding me dry

It was then that we both heard a cock crow
And fear flashed across his red eyes;
We'd got carried away with the banter
And the daybreak crept up by surprise

Quickly I pulled back the curtain
And the room was all flooded with light;
T' Count turned a peculiar colour
And started to tremble with fright.

I rummaged around in my sports bag
And said "This is my kind of bat.”
I hammered a wicket right through his chest
Triumphantly shouting "Owz'at!"

His face wore a puzzled expression
As he started to shrink where he stood
'Till all that was left was a cloak and two fangs
In a pool of half clotted blood.

All in all t'were an interesting weekend;
On reflection things could have been worse.
I had a free trip out to Europe
But I had to drive back in the hearse.
The end