I studied him close in the mirror,
Which was hard 'cos he had no reflection.
I said "I never forget a face,
But in your case I'll make an exception."

He said "there's no need to get personal.
It's a long walk to Transylvania."
I said, "I didn't mean no offence,
But what do you care if I'm payin you?"

The coffin was lined wi' red velvet,
Quite inviting - I fancied a kip;
And as t’ conversation weren't sparklin'
I slept for the rest of the trip.

When I woke we were outside a castle
T’cabbie was nowhere to be found
But I noticed he’d left t’meter running
It was standing at six hundred pound.

I thought I’d keep hold of my money,
So I wrote out a quick IOU;
And so as he wouldn’t think me churlish,
I added a Euro or two.
  Some Goths stood around in the shadows;
Their faces were ghastly and white.
I could tell this was no place for strangers,
Like Burnley on Saturday night

At the door stood a wench in a nightdress,
"Am I keeping you up lass?" I said.
There was Meat Loaf playing on the hi-fi
Loud enough to wake the undead.

I said "I've come to save your souls"
"Our souls!" she said, "No way!
But if you stick your neck out,
We might just let you stay."

There were ladies in white cotton nighties
All out for the count it would seem
I thought that my luck might have suddenly changed
But it's probably just that old dream!

They rose up and gathered around me
Pouting and fondling and kissing
I'd have found it all very erotic
If it hadn't have been for that hissing.
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