The brides were soon all upon me
When in amongst all the confusion
One of them sunk her teeth in my neck
For a quick DIY transfusion.

She said "I need your life blood;
A whole pint before dawn."
I said "Well, OK just a swift one,
But Dawn can go an' get her own"

One by one they all sucked my blood out
My poor limbs were feeble and aching.
I was too weak to get my hammer up
Never mind drive my stake in!

By now I was feeling light headed,
And I dropped down low on one knee.
I told 'em, "normally when I give blood
I get offered a nice cup of tea."

They hissed and came slowly towards me
They were just moving in at the death.
I thought about calling last orders
When one caught a whiff of my breath
  I'd heard of how vampires feared garlic
So I'd had five or six garlic bread.
I blew a few kisses towards 'em
Then I sneezed several times and they fled.

A figure slid in from the shadows;
I ventured, “You must be Count Dracula.”
He said “you can call me your countship
Or Drac if you like the vernacular”

I said "Are you drinking Campari?"
As he drained the red fluid from his glass.
He replied "No it's just Bloody Mary,
She's a bleeding life saver, that lass!"

I asked "Have you not got a man's drink?
Like Lancaster Bomber on draught."
Count said "Are you trying to be funny?
'Cos I think you'll find nobody laughed!"

I said "I've got a stake for you,
You evil prince of horror"
He said "I've just had black pudding for tea
But I'll finish your steak off tomorrow"
Continue Return