Well, I wanted for till look me best, so I squeezed out all me zits
Put on me shortest miniskirt, and a wee top to flash me . . . bits
I wore me boots with the six-inch heels – they are genuine black plastic,
But they tighten up me arse a bit, and make me walk fantastic!

I got a taxi down the town, so me makeup wouldn't get messed
The driver tried to touch me up, so he must've been impressed.
He says “Are ye going till a fancy dress, a party for Tarts'n'Vicars?”
I says “Ye durty Oul Brute Ye, get yer oul paws aff me knickers!”

There was a queue right round the Hilton, way out till the BT towers
The wind aff the river wudda skint ye – I wuz standing there for hours
With the toes and heels cut aff me, them boots is not for walking
By the time I got to go on stage, me dogs wuz fairly barking!
  They asked me what I'd like till sing – I said I wud do 'The Rose'
An original by Westlife – What they were laughing at, God Knows!
Well, I done the first verse rightly, but I tried to dance a bit
My heels caught the microphone cord, and I went arse over tit!
My top was stretched to bursting point, and one fell out, by heck!
I wouldn't have minded half as much if I'd washed for a lower neck!

Well, I knew I could depend on Louis – he couldn't have done no better
Sure he would vote for anyone who had owned an Irish setter!
Thon Cheryl blade was different, now – not a nice thing did she say
She was jealous of me looks, ye see – I knowed that right away!

Simon sat with a big long face, and he fiddled with his pen
With he's trousers up round he's oxters, like Ken Dodd's Diddymen
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