Baz Cooper - 1999
It was one Christmas Day on the Bounty
And the crew were all manning their stations
As Captain Bligh up on the poop deck
Did his Charles Laughton impersonations.

Fletcher Christian was Bligh's sworn enemy;
He had style and éclat and panache.
He'd practise for hours with his cutlass
And he'd often pop out for a slash.

Now the crew put a tree up for Christmas;
'Hang up crackers', the captain had said
But the Bounty was fresh out of crackers
So they hung up Ryvita instead.

The tree looked exceedingly gruesome
And gave off a peculiar smell;
For the cook had been told to festoon it with lights
And he’d put up some liver as well.

In the gunwales there sat Long John Silver
Who was talking to Captain James Cook.
'Oh begging your pardon, my Cap'n,
But I reckons we're in the wrong book.'

From below came a roar like thunder
As the cook cried out, 'Oh, what a loss.
Someone’s stolen the crew’s Christmas turkey
And the Captain’s New Year albatross'.

'I’ve had Albert', cried Bligh, 'since Trafalgar
When the taking of treasure was dutiful;
In that bird I secreted my share of the spoils;
With that stuffing, my Albert was bootyfull!'

'I'll have every man jack of you horsewhipped,
Keelhauled and then finally flogged.
Every man will receive twenty strokes of the cat
And a tentative pat of the dog.'

But just then they encountered a whaler,
'Have you seen Moby Dick?', yelled the crew.
'No I haven't', replied Fletcher Christian.
'But I have been to see 'Rocky Two''.

Then he came across Bligh on the foredeck,
And approaching the master with stealth,
He said, 'Captain, the men are revolting
And you're no bloody charmer yourself.'

Then the crew grabbed old Bligh by the rowlocks
And in terror the martinet swooned;
Then they doused him in dark red emulsion
So he woke in his cabin - marooned.

As they flung Bligh in one of the lifeboats,
The ship's carpenter ventured to say,
'T'other boat won't be fixed till tomorrow
So you'll have to have sloop of the day.'

Then Christian gave each man six lashes
And (I swear that I’m not making this up)
They made water right up to the crow’s nest -
A whip round, then a brilliant piss-up.

'Oh we're sailing away to the tropics,
Where the wind and the rain never freeze yer;
To the land of the street-fighting parrot, me boys;
Aye, we're going to find Polynesia.'

They discovered provisions were low, but
With their cargo of sheep they soon foun' tea:
Mutton chops, mutton stew, mutton curry;
Aye - it was muttony on the Bounty.
The end