THE WIFE-SWAPPING PARTY
as recited by
Eric Idle
from 'Rutland Weekend Television'



I went to a wife-swopping party
And nobody asked me to swop.
Deidre, my wife, had the time of her life,
With the man from the off-licence shop.
But his wife was minding the business,
And he'd only come with the wine
Still, he went round all night, swopping on sight
I do wish he hadn't swopped mine.

Now, Deidre, my wife, she's a shy girl,
And doesn't like to say no,
And though, in the past, she's never been fast
Last night she never went slow.
But I sat all night at the orgy,
And no-one asked me to indulge
The things that I saw going on, on the floor,
Would make your eyes goggle and bulge.

There were things that they did to each other
In places I've not seen before,
They were at it like knives with each other's wives
By God!... I bet they'll be sore.
Well, finally my flabber was gasted,
When our grocer, I know on sight,
Took a... 'sfx' * and put it in someone's... 'sfx',
With a... 'sfx', by the... 'sfx', near the light.
Then they all kind of... 'sfx' and then tickled with a... 'sfx'
It was really obscene.
I've never seen it attempted,
I do hope their underwear's clean.

My night at the wife-swopping party
Has certainly shattered a dream.
Our hostess, they said, was tucked up in bed,
With half of the Sunderland team.
But her husband, our host, is a nice chap,
And he said, as he gave me my coat,
"Odd man out, I can see!"... put his hand on my knee
And then stuck his tongue down my throat.

Well, I'm not a man who is prudish,
I don't mind a wee bit of fun,
But I do draw the line at perversion,
There are some things that shouldn't be done.
In fact... if I'm honest... we did it
Twice or three times... maybe four,
Right there and then, with a bent friend called Ben,
On a rug on the living-room floor.

Well, 'Shackarse on goo' is my motto
And we 'Shackarse on gooed' all night long,
'Til midway through the strife, I met Deidre, my wife
With the grocer and his 'sfx'... going strong.
"What on Earth are you doing" she said,"Gerald?"
"I don't really know!" I replied.
"It's something in latin and without battin'
An eyelid, she said, "Come on outside!"

My God, there was a heck of a 'Hoo-Har'!
About who had done what with whose heck
And Deidre said she was just tasting wine...
Just tasting wine?... bloody neck!
She had more in her hand than a bottle... still,
It all turned out quite alright,
'Cos we decided we both loved each other...
And we're going again, tonight!

* sfx = sound effects