THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR WOOL



When Casanova went to town
he always took his dressing-gown,
His bedsocks and his knitted gloves,
which mystified his lady-loves.
One gentle temptress asked him why,
quoth he with an experienced sigh,
"Madam I used to catch all kinds
of chills on those Venetian blinds,
So learned this lesson in Love's School,
there is no substitute for wool."



Fair Venus surfaced from the spray,
And not much work was done that day.
The elders came, they turned bright pink.
They coughed, they said: 'We really think
Some well-placed wool would do no harm
Indeed, it might enhance your charm.
Besides, you'll find the nights are cool,
There is no substitute for wool.'



King Arthur's knights sat sullen-eyed
'What ails you all?' the monarch cried.
Quoth one: "Tis this round table sire,
"The lads out here can't feel the fire.'
Quoth Guinevere: 'Poor faithful knights,
I'll knit you all a pair of tights.'
Which goes to prove the golden rule,
There is no substitute for wool.



Henry the Fifth at Agincourt,
Outnumbered ten to one, we're taught,
Licked the French with English bowmen
Woollen-clad like country yeoman.
The Frenchmen charging through the bogs
Were hampered by their iron togs,
And perished, proving once again,
That "Rien ne remplace la laine'



Judge Jeffreys felt extremely hot
Beneath his ermine. 'Hang the lot,'
He cried —although his inclination
Had been to place them on probation.
If only he had known the balm
Of wool for comfort and for calm
Then mercy might have been the rule.
There is no substitute for wool.



'Regard, you scum,' cried Captain Bligh,
'Three months adrift, the shore is nigh.'
He seized his log, "We owe salvation,
To pluck and faultless navigation,
To discipline and lack of gin
And wearing wool against the skin.'
The last a most essential rule,
There is no substitute for wool!



Lady Godiva, so they say,
Had longer hair than Danny Kaye.
It fell about her person fair,
Concealing dainty underwear.
A modest safeguard justified
Throughout her cold but classic ride.
For briefer garments when it's cool
There is no substitute for wool.



Pythagoras by stretching string
Extended maths like anything.
One day he tried some woollen strands,
And stretched them gently in his hands.
What perfect elasticity!
'It's just the very thing,'said he,
'To hold the shape of coat and wraps.
I think I'm on to something, chaps.
'Let's teach this theorem at school'
There is no substitute for wool.'



Fair Helen was the Trojan's pin-up.
Her beauty kept the nation's chin up.
They say she was the only Spartan
Whose nose in winter wasn't tartan.
From smuggled fleece she spun her wraps
Which kept her warm and pleased the chaps
She knew the olden golden rule
There is no substitute for wool.



Yon canny Highland crofters keep
A flock of crease-resistant sheep.
They weave wee woollen shirts and slacks
And flog 'em to the Sassenachs.
Wool keeps its shape, it's bound to please,
(Ye nae seen sheep wi' baggy knees)
At birth bairns learn the Golden Rule,
There's nae substitute for wool!



The problem in a satelite
Is where to put the cat at night
For if you want your mind at ease
How can you let poor Pussy freeze
The answer reads on your computer
A wooly overcoat will suit her
From sheep to bleep all know the rule
There's no substitute for wool!



Anne Boleyn the Queen was sacked.
She had her bags already packed
And neatly marked in letters large“
The Bloody Tower by Royal Barge”.
Her friends admired her savoir faire
Until they missed their underwear,
For Anne Boleyn was no one’s fool.
There is no substitute for wool!