Al Read
When Joe was first wed he was only nineteen 
And he said to his wife, 'Listen Flo, 
You don't ask me, 'Where the hell have you been?' 
And I won't tell you where to go!' 

He's lived by this maxim for eighty-five years 
That makes him a hundred and four 
And now we've found out why he's always in tears 
He can't chase the girls any more 

Our Joe won't be with us much longer 
Might be a week or a day 
He said to the Vicar, 'I can't come no quicker, 
So just put your hymn book away!' 

Says our Joe, 'I'm a wee bit suspicious, 
I keep getting boiled ham every meal, 
It's not the long queue that keeps waiting my cue, 
It's the fine powdered glass I can feel' 

Our Joe won't be with us much longer 
He's twenty three stone with a cough 
He's exercise mad but he's such a big lad 
We can't get his hula-hoop off.

Last Friday we all thought he'd snuffed it 
Heard our Jack say to our Lil, 
'He looks healthy and good.' Says our Max, 'So he should' 
He's just had a fortnight at Rhyl 

Our Joe won't be with us much longer 
The Doctor said, 'Don't make a row, 
He's asleep full of dope, but we mustn't lose hope, 
But d'you think you could pay my bill now?' 

The insurance man called and said, 'Joseph, 
You've been out when your premiums were due, 
But it wipes the slate clean, if you know what I mean, 
You'll be out when we call to pay you!' 

Our Joe won't be with us much longer 
It looks like his bolt has been shot 
It's the love life he's led, there's been three that he's wed 
And at least half a dozen he's not. 

I won't say it's the boozing that's done it 
But where you've got blood, Joe's got gin 
You can tell, last October, our Joe came home sober 
And his dog wouldn't let him come in!

Our Joe won't be with us much longer 
'Get best oak,' says our Joe, 'Some good stuff, 
And see when I go, I'm on top of our Flo, 
She's been on top of me long enough!' 

We've made the arrangements for Friday 
With the lilies they've started to call 
And if he's not gone by a quarter to one 
The hearse goes without him. That's all!
The end