THE LOW-DOWN ON HAMLET
by
Bernard Miles

  This 'Amalet is quite a serious play.
It all takes place in Denmark where young 'Amalet is the Prince of Wales. His dad’s ghost appears to him on the castle battlements and ’Amalet says: “Blimey Dad, you didn’t ’arf give me a turn.” Then he says: “You’re lookin’ a bit peeky, Dad,” but the old ghost says: “Oh I feel all right in meself.” Well then ’e starts beckonin’ ’Amalet to lead the way to somewhere a little bit more secluded but ’Amalet says “No,” ’e says “After you Dad,” and follows the ghost out.

Well in the next scene the old ghost doesn’t ’arf start tellin’ young ’Amalet the tale. ’E says: “I don’t know if you’re aware of it, Son,” ’e says, ”but there’s been some dirty work goin’ on.” ’E says: “It’s been goin’ the rounds that I was stung to death by a snake but in point of fact I was stung by your Uncle Claud who now wears the crown.” ’E says: “It was like this son. I was ’avin’ a little kip down in the orchard just after tea—we know it was after tea because ’Amalet says ‘He took my father grossly full of bread’; this is called internal evidence y’ see—when your Uncle Claud stole up be’ind me an’ emptied some poison in me ear’ole.” Well the old ghost goes on: “To cut a long story short I was took queer on the Sunday an’ I was dead on the Monday.” An’ ’Amalet says: “Go on.” Then the ghost says: “Well so long Son. I must be getting’ back now,” and back ’e goes.
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