performed by
Bernard Miles

Good arternoon...
I just been across to see Harry Partridge in the cottage 'ospital.
He cut 'is leg on a bit o' hold iron and that turned sceptical.
I says to him, "'Ow yer feelin' Harry?" an' 'e says, "Well," he says, "I am better 'an what I was," he says, "but I ain't as well as what I was afore I was as bad as what I am now."
So you can tell he was must 'a' bin pretty poorly.
There's one thing, he'll see a lot of changes when he comes out 'cos we've 'ad the proper water fitted in since 'e bin away.
Council water. In pipes. But I don't care for it meself.
Weell, there don't seem to be no strength in it. You can't hardly taste it. You can't even smell it.
Give me a drop of my ole well water every time. You could smell that all right. That's why they made me fill it in.
A feller come across from Luton and took some on it away to be hanalated.
"That's alive," he says. "Crawling with 'em," he says.
I says "Crawlin' with what?"

  And he says, "Bacteriums and microphobes and minute hanimal horganisations."
I says, "Get away," I says. "That's only a few tadpoles," I says. "We depends on them," I says, "to help us out with the meat ration."
He had to laugh.
"Well," he says, "It might be all right for bathin' in," he says, "but it certainly ain't fit to drink."
Well, the idea. Bathin'. I never had a bath in me life. Not as far as I know. I don't want one neither.
That's why I hopes I never 'as to go into 'ospital.
Lot o' young girls a luggin' yer about and gawkin' at yer.
I've been private all me life and I wants to stay private.
I told this feller I never 'ad a bath and he says "Well, however do you get the dirt orf, then?"
And I says, "When that's thick enough that falls orf." I says. "Like it do orf a 'tater. Course, it has to be dry like."
Weell. The idea!
My ole mother never bathed any of us. She used to rub us all over with bacon fat and then sew us up in flannel for the winter.
Eleven of us; lying on the kitchen table.
We was sewed up round about Michaelmas and we wasn't unsewed till Lady Day.
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