Commotion in the Cludgie... Bernard Wrigley

If Owd Teddy Giles had gone in for a trophy
'Twould have been for the best boozer's cup
His wife could have gone for the frussbudget's medal
She spent all her time cleaning up.

That day she's spring cleaning upstairs and down
When she thought to herself 'Silly moo'
For she'd run right out of the high powered stuff
That cleans round the howl in the loo.

You're always without when it's half day closing
So Martha nipped into Ted's shed
Pinched some thinners where the lad kept his brushes
And poured the spirits down the lavvy instead.

Just then the phone rang - it was Madge yet again
The local chief gossip and bore
So intent were the women that Martha never heard
Her Teddy come in the front door.

He shot to the bathroom, scorch marks on the stairs
His afternoon hadn't been fun
He'd almost disgraced himself waiting for the bus
And had had to walk home, clenching his bum.

At last he relaxed as he sat on the cludgie
And he laughed to himself at the joke
Then he fished out his matches, baccy and pipe
And proceeded to have him a smoke.

He'd just put the still-lighted match down the bog -
When he thought that someone had shot him
With a blinding flash, a big bang and a crash
The world had dropped out of his bottom

He lay in the rubble, bent over double
With the toilet seat wrapped round his knees
Shouting "Martha, theres been a commotion in t' cludgie
That's the last time we have mushy peas"

The ambulance men got him stretchered
With his bum sticking up in the air
He told 'em what happened - they laughed till they shook
And they dropped Teddy right down the stairs.

He made the front page of the paper
Which he read from his hospital bed
"MAN ATTEMPTS ORBIT FROM LAVATORY
GETS TWO COMPOUND FRACTURES INSTEAD.

So if you burn your bum just like Teddy
Take heed of this moral I beg
Don't tell t'paramedics how you did it
Coz they broke his arm and his leg.

The neighbours still talk about Teddy
And some think they're being quite smart
When they think on that awful explosion
And say "Now thats' what I call a fart!!!"