THE BALLAD OF
KNOCKING NELLY
by
Bernard Wrigley
 Gasman, coalman, water board or the bloke who mends the telly,
They're all the same to Harold's wife, the famous Knocking Nelly.
She handles all her creditors, for years she's had no bills,
But of Harrys, Roys and teddy boys I know she gets her fill.

Last week when Harold's out at work she's upstairs with a bloke,
He's the football pool collector and he's Nelly's latest poke.
She's got his vest and trousers off, she's asking him for more,
But then she hears her husband dear, come waltzing through the door.

She bungs her lover in the wardrobe door, and then she shouts, 'Oh crumbs',
For dangling out the wardrobe door were the pool collector's plums.
Then Harold he comes up the stairs and says, 'Now hello dear,
The boss gave me the day off work... and what's these dangling here?' 

Well, Nelly's seen this all before and a very good tale she tells,
'I've just been out shopping and I've bought these couple of bells.
But they're not of the ringing kind, in fact they're just a joke',
So Harold lifts his finger up and he gives the bells a poke.

Now Harold keeps on poking and agrees the bells are dead,
And the bloke inside the wardrobe's going a peculiar shade of red.
Harold says the bells'll ring if he clouts 'em with his hammer,
And Nelly sitting on the bed can hardly raise a stammer.

Harold smacks 'em once and twice but still the bells won't ring,
He raises up his hammer then to have one final swing.
He'd sworn to make the bells go 'ding' by George he wasn't wrong,
For the bloke inside the wardrobe shouts, 'For Christ's sake - DING DING DONG!!!' 
The end