Bernard Wrigley
 Now Nelly's had some real close shaves I've told you about before 
Like the trouble with the pool collector's nuts and the wardrobe door
And Pierre, who had trouble counting up to sixty nine
She certainly could give a bloke a memorable time

A couple of weeks ago her husband had to work away
Picture Harold waving Nelly off at break of day
As soon as he was out of sight she's on the telephone 
Ringing up old flames to tell them that she's all alone.

So Billy Jones came to her house, quickly as he could 
By day he's the local chimney sweep, by night the local stud 
Says Nelly, 'That was quick!' says Billy 'I don't hang about...
It's urgent when a lady says her flue needs cleaning out. 

This is much more civilized than in the pub back yard 
I'll play you at strip poker but forget about the cards.'
They reached the bed in seconds, their clothes all over the floor 
And were so engrossed they never heard the opening front door.

Then Harold's voice rings out, 'Oh, coo-ee Nell, its' only me 
I've gone and left some things behind - now what a silly b.' 
'Oh, Jesus Christ!' says Billy, 'Where is there to hide?' 
He sees the open bathroom door and chucks himself inside.

'I've left my shaving kit behind' says Harold 'What a drag... 
My memory's gone, it's just as well my balls are in a bag.'
But Nelly isn't laughing, her jaw just hit the floor 
She's realized that Harold's heading for the bathroom door.

Harold sees his shaving stuff then hears somebody wheeze
It came from in the shower and was followed by a sneeze.
He looks inside and sees this naked bloke, to his surprise
Who lifts his hand and smacks the wall as if he's swatting flies.

'Mornin' guv!' the bloke then says 'Quite warm for the time of year.'
He thwacks the wall again, just to the right of Harold's ear.
'I work for the council - a moth catcher by trade...
Your wife reported hordes of them were starting to invade.'

Harold looks him up and down and says, 'I know it's warm 
But a council chap should surely wear, some sort of uniform.'
The bloke looked down in horror and shouted, 'Stone the crows!
'Those soddin' moths have gone and eaten all my frigging clothes!'
The end