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Bob Newhart
Newhart
 
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BUYING A HOUSE
by
Bob Newhart
 

We are in the process of buying a house... and when you buy a home, you deal with realtors, you see. Now realtors are people who did not make it as 'Used Car Salesmen'. You see the ads and you say, 'Honey, this is our dream house!' Then you go out to it and you meet the realtor... and he comes on like this...

Well!... hi there...
Well, here she is...
Boy! somebody's gonna steal this little beauty.
Er... I'm not supposed to tell you this, but... this baby is priced way below the market, way below!
This the wife, is it?...
How do you do? Brecksnieder... John Brecksnieder...
Oh look! Is that the little baby?...
How old?...
14 months, huh?...
Boy! she's gonna break a lot of hearts when she gets older... ha! ha! ha!
Oh!... a little boy?
Er, yeh!... wonderfu.. we always put off that first haircut, don't we?...
Well, there she is!...
Is that a beauty?...
Yeh! that's what we call 'rustic'. This is kind of 'your rustic home.'...
Well! thats a question of semantics...
When does it quit being 'rustic'...
And become ramshackle? You know, it's er, kinda hard to...
It's a wonderful family home though, it's got seven bedrooms and one bath. Anyone with any imagination and happens to own a contracting business, could just do wonders with this house...
Yeh! this is just on three quarters of an acre...
Pardon?...
Well, not exactly...
Come over to the cliff, here, let me show you where your land runs. D'you see that road, way down there? Well, that is all your land, all the way down to the road. I mean, if some of these cars stall and they start to lean on the cliff there, you can say, 'Hey! get off that land, that's my land!' You see?...
Hmm?
Yeh? You saw the ad, did you?...
Yes, you've got the view of the ocean and the view of the valley. It's very rare...
The ocean view?...
Er! you wanna come over here by the cliffs? That's the way. Now, just get down...
D'ya see?...
Just between the boughs...there!...
Did you see it?...
There! Did you see it that time?...
The people who used to own this house, tell me they used to come out here on a Sunday afternoon, get down on all fours and just watch the ocean. All your troubles just seem to float away, y'know? Just wonderful...
The valley view?...
Yeah, listen... you wanna boost your wife onto my shoulders?...
Let me show you the valley view. It's a kind of Frank Lloyd White kind of feeling the home gives you, it just seems to fit, it seems to float right into the atmosphere...
In fact, the back of the house is starting to float...
I think it's er...
Now, the people who lived here before, tell me you can hardly hear anything from the sheet metal plant across the street, there...
They hardly ever knew it was here. Now folks...
FOLKS!...
I didn't explain about the kitchen...
Folks?...
FOLKS!!!?...

 
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