by Bob Newhart
As I said, there was a thing in the paper tonight about documentaries and I have had an idea for a long time for what I think is a wonderful documentary, which has everything. For instance, you go to work, you come home at night and you never really think about it. It's mechanical, it's routine. But there are a group of men who every day when they go to work never know if that night they will return, because they face death in one hundred different ways. And I am talking about America's driving instructors. I would like to present the first episode in the new tv series called, "The Driving Instructor". Now I would like to have you picture if you would, I'm the driving instructor and seated next to me is a woman driver.
How do you do?... Erm, you're Mrs. Webb, is that right?... Oh, I see you've had one lesson already, who was the instructor on that Mrs. Webb?... Mr. Adams... I'm sorry, here it is. Mr. Adams. Just let me read ahead and kind of familiarize myself with the case... Erm, how fast were you going when Mr. Adams jumped from the car?... Sev..., Seventy-five. And, and where was that?... In your driveway... How far had Mr. Adams gotten in the lesson?... Backing out... I see, you were backing out at seventy-five and that's, that's when he jumped.... Did he cover starting the car?... And the other way of stopping?... What's the other way of stopping?... Throwing it in reverse... that's, that would do it, you're right, that would do it... Erm, alright you want to start the car?... Uh, Mrs. Webb you just turned on the lights, you want to start the car... They all look alike, don't they?... No, I don't know why they design them that way... Erm, alright let's pull out into traffic... Now, what's the first thing we're going to do before we pull out into Well, I mean besides praying... No, what I had in mind was checking the rear view mirror... You see we always want to check the rear... DON'T PULL OUT !!!... Erm, please don't cry... I'm sorry... but there was this bus, Mrs. Webb... Oh, alright, the lane is clear is now, you want to pull out?... Oh, now that wasn't bad at all, you might try it a little slower next time.... Alright, let's get up a bit more speed and gradually ease it into second... Well, I didn't want to cover reverse this early but as long as you have shifted into it... Of course you're nervous... I'm nervous!... I'm not just saying that, I'm really, I'm really very nervous... Well, just don't pay any attention to their honking.... You're doing fine... You're not blocking anyone's lane... No, as long as you are here on the safety island, you are not blocking anyone's lane... Oh, alright you want to start the car?... Oh, while you are turning the lights off, why don't you turn off the heater?... Alright, there we are, let's get up a bit of speed... That's the way... Now let's practice some turns. Um, the important thing on turns is not to make them too sharp, just kind of make a gradual... Now that was fine... That was a wonderful turn... It's hard for me to believe you only had two lessons after you make a turn like... Are you sure you haven't had more now?... I find that very difficult to believe... One little thing... This is a one way street... Well, no, no, actually it was partially my fault, you see, but, uh, you were in the left hand lane and you were signaling left, and I just more or less assumed you were going to turn left. SAME TO YOU, FELLA!!!... No, no, I don't know what he said Mrs. Webb... Um, alright let's pull into the alley up there, uh, and practice a little alley driving... This is uh, this is something a lot of the schools leave out and we think it is pretty... YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST MRS. WEBB!!!... You were up around sixty and that's kind of a sharp turn there... Alright, just drive down the alley, that's the way... Oh, Mrs. Webb, maybe we better stop here... Well, I don't think you are going to make it between the truck and the building... Mrs. Webb?... Mrs. Webb... I... Mrs. Webb, I, I ... I don't think you are going... MRS. WEBB?..... I real... I... I really didn't think you were going to MAKE IT.... That just shows we can be wrong too... No, no, I'll get out on your side, that's alright. Oh, Mrs. Webb, uh, maybe it might be a good idea if we went over to the driving area. They have a student driver area over a few blocks away and maybe traffic throws you, maybe that's the problem... Well, turn here on the street... Right... And it's only about a block up... Alright, turn right here... Well, now that was my fault again... You see, I meant the next street. Not this man's lawn... Oh, sir, sir... sir, would you mind turning off the sprinkler?... For just a... Newly seeded?... Is that right?... That's always the way, isn't it? Ha! ha!... I don't suppose it is so funny!... Oh, alright Mrs. Webb, you want to back out and get off the man's... Creeping bent, is that right... Yea, just back out, Mrs. Webb... Thank you very much, sir for... Oh, now we've hit someone Mrs. Webb... Oh, remember you're going to watch the rear view mirror, remember we covered that... The red light blinded you?... The flashing red light blinded you?... The flashing red light on the car you hit blinded you?... Yes, officer, she was just telling me about it... Um, alright... Alright, erm, Mrs. Webb... I am going to have to go with the officer to the police station... Erm, they don't believe it and they'd like, they'd like me to describe it... And now the other officer is going to get into the car and he is going to drive you back to the driving school and then you are to meet us at the police station. Erm, my name is Frank Dexter, Mrs Webbb... Why do you ask?... You want to be sure and get me next time???
The end