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THE U.S.S. CODFISH
by
Bob Newhart
 

We have a show in Chicago called, "The Silent Service" and it's about the submarines and peace and war. They had one on about two weeks ago and it dealt with this nuclear submarine, which went around the world for two years and never pulled into port.
It was sort of an endurance test for the sailors to find out how they would react under these situations. And the whole thing was kind of summed up in the last five minutes by the captain of the submarine, and he gave an address to the crew just as they were about to surface after completing this two year trip and it went something like this...


Men, I know you are all anxious to be reunited with your loved ones... in some cases your wives... but we have a few moments before we surface and I've just jotted down some things that I think are kind of important, I wouldn't take the time if I didn't. First of all, I think we ought to give the cooks a standing ovation for the wonderful job they've done. So, if you men want to stand now and let's really hear it for the cooks.
I don't think you men realize the difficult problem it is aboard a submarine to... uh... you men want to stand now for the cooks ? Come on now men, let's let by-gones be by-gones and let's hear it for the cooks, huh?
Look men, I'm not going to surface until I hear it for the cooks!!!
Alright, that is a little better. Today, as we add another glorious page to the history of the U.S.S. Codfish, I think it is important that we reflect on some of the past glories of the Codfish... uh... I don't know how many of you men know this, but the Codfish holds a record for the most Japanese tonnage sunk. Being comprised of five freighters and fifteen aircraft carriers. A truly enviable record. Unfortunately, they were sunk in 1954. However, it stands as the largest peacetime tonnage ever recorded. Our voyage has received a lot of coverage in the newspaper and I would like to present our side of it... I think our firing on Miami Beach can best be termed ill-timed. It happened on what they call in the newspaper business a slow news day and as a result received a lot more space than I think it deserved -- since it was the off-season down there.
Men, I think you will agree, I have been pretty lax as far as discipline is concerned, and golly nobody enjoys a joke more than I do, but I would like the executive officer returned. Now we have looked in the torpedo tubes, we have looked in your bags and uh ...; I mean it's been over two weeks, men and I... we're just lucky that it wasn't the navigational officer or someone real important like that.
Uh... looking back on the mutiny, I think a lot of the trouble stemmed from the fact that you men weren't coming to me with your problems... as I told you, the door to my office is always open. I think you know why it's always open -- that was stolen, I'd like that returned. It looks like the work of the same man.
But since started the cruise on such a low note, I think it is important that we try to end it on a high note... and to me there is, there is nothing more impressive in the Navy as a submarine that breaks water to see a bunch of sailors in their dress blues as they come rushing up out of the... oh... the uh ... that, that hole there, uh ... and come to a parade dress. This, this to me is one of the, oh... oh, alright...
Men, I have just been notified that we will be surfacing in just a moment and uh... you might be happy to know that you will be gazing on the familiar skyline of either New York City or Buenos Aires ... is that right ? I can't quite make that out.. dismissed men -- that's all.

 
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