A CLEAN SWEEP
by
Greatrex Newman (1913)
performed by
Bransby Williams
Billy Bennett
I’ve ‘ad lots ‘o jobs… some was good, some was bad,
But the one as I count the most strange, 
Was once when I went to a millionaire’s ‘ouse 
To sweep out the chimneys an' range. 

They wanted it doin' at night, rather late, 
When the fires weren't in use, arter tea, 
So I goes ter the place, an' I strolls up the drive, 
About eight o'clock it 'ud be. 

When I gets ter the hentrance I sees two fat blokes 
Dressed in gold, an' I 'ears one say: 
'Er Ladyship 'as bin hexpectin' Yer Grace, 
Will Yer Grace kindly foller this way?' 

Well I looks round ter see who 'e means by 'Yer Grace,' 
But there weren't no one there, 'ceptin' me, 
So I think p'r'aps 'Yer Grace' is the French word, sweep,' 
So I follers the bloke just ter see. 

Then a lady, all larfin', comes out of a room, 
An' ses, as she looks at me clothes, 
'Why really, I shouldn't 'a' knowed yer, Yer Grace, 
If it weren't fer that wart on yer nose!' 

Then she opens a door, an' I sees a big room 
Full o' folks all dressed up in strange things, 
Some was soldiers, some nurses, some sailors, some cooks,
An' sev'ral was hangels wi' wings. 

Well, then the band stopped, an' the dancers sat down, 
An' a fat gent comes up on me right, 
An' 'e puts sev'ral coins in me fist, as 'e ses,
'There's the ten pounds I borrowed last night.' 

Then a lady comes up, an' ses, 'Really, Yer Grace 
I've larfed till me sides are quite sore,' 
So I ses, 'Get some Zam Buk, an' rub 'em wi' that!' 
An' everyone near give a roar. 

Then one ses, 'Why weren't you at the hopera last night? 
'Ad yer bin playin' polo or golf?' 
I ses, 'No, I'd bin playin' at bathin' the kids,
Cause the missus 'ad took a night off!' 

Well then us 'ad supper, it weren't arf a spread, 
The best feed I've 'ad in me life! 
And everyone larfed, an' sed, 'Isn’e fine!' 
When the blankmange slipped orf o' me knife. 

An' they didn't arf roar when I upset me glass 
Down a girl who was dressed all in white, 
But it didn't show much, fer I dusted 'er frock 
Wi' me sleeve, an' me serviorite. 

Then the lady as I 'ad fust met in the 'all, 
Who the others all called 'The Dookess,' 
She 'ands me a lovely gold watch, an' she ses,
'That's the prize for the best fancy dress,' 

Arter supper us went ter the ballroom, 
An' I tried a dance as they called 'Pass-de-Quart,' 
But I soon chucked it up, cause me old 'ob-nail boots 
In the ladies' frocks kep' gettin' caught. 

Then the Dookess, 'er ses, 'Your finance 'as just come,' 
An' a young gal in low hevenin' dress, 
Comes straight up to me, an' starts larfin', and ses, 
'Well Percy, you do look a mess!' 

Then she ses, 'I 'ave just got that ten thousand pounds 
That was left me last year by me aunt, 
So now we'll get married next month, shall we dear?' 
I ses, 'No love, hus bloomin' well shan't.' 

So she ses, 'Why, what reason is there for delay? 
The pater no longer forbids.' 
I ses, 'There's ten reasons!' 'What are they?' she ses 
I hanswers: 'One wife an' nine kids!' 

Then she ses, 'What a bounder you are for a joke, 
And you always so serious keep, 
Now come Percy love 'I ses: 'Eh! Look 'ere miss, 
I ain't 'Percy love'... I’m the sweep!
The end