Desmond Kelly& Ernest Longstaffe
performed by
Bransby Williams
Billy Bennett
'Excuse me Mr. Laa-di-Dah if I sit next to you,
No, I shan't contaminate you with my clothes;
I'm pretty well particular just what I says and do
And I don't mix with serciety, Lord knows.

But lumme!... you're a bloomin' toff (white spats and all complete)
I wonder what it's like to be a nut?
To get up when you think you will and eat just what you like
And keep a bloomin' flunky on the strut.

To go with all the ladies what dance in them revues
And to take them out to supper and a drive
If I 'ad just a bit of that I'd never get the blues
And should feel it was some good to be alive.

You needn't get the wind up; I'm as harmless as a cat
And of course we ain't a-goin' to have a row
I just felt kind of lonely and I thought I'd like a chat
And felt I had to have a word somehow.

O' course it's plain to see that you're a merchant of the swank
And you're dressed as if you might be Lord de Vere
There's something though about you makes me feel you ain't a swank
It's something that I think they call 'sincere'.

But p'r'aps I'm a bit too saucy and I shouldn't sit with you
It might a sort of bring you to disgace
For in the little Jutland scrap we had across the sea
A bit of shell bust in my ugly face

But mind you, I weren't no beauty afore they messed my mug
And you and me... well... we hardly seem to pair
So I'm sorry that I spoke to you and I'll clear out right away
Afore them nosey parkers start to stare.'

'I say old chappie, don't go yet, for I'm feeling lonely too
So never mind the nosey parkers here
I fancy that I heard you say that you were feeling blue
Well I'm not exactly bubbling with good cheer.

My chauffeur will be shortly here to take me for a drive
Then I motor to my club and there I dine
And then perhaps the opera to hear my favourite star
And after that a glass or two of wine.

But my dear chap you won't believe I'm feeling out of date
And really can't join in with all the rest
And though to all appearances it must seem really great
I assure you... you enjoy yourself the best.

You tell me of the naval scrap at Jutland you were in
And were you left your pretty looks behind
I was also in a little scrap at Cambrai with Lord Byng
You see my friend, you're better off... I'm blind.'
The end