THE PLUMBER
by
Kenneth Wynne & Cuthbert Clarke (1916)

performed by
Bransby Williams

I'm a plumber, I ham, an' l'm proud o' me trade,
An' I tells yer I can't hunderstand
Why Kiplin' should talk o' 'is soldiers and squads
When there's 'eroes like me in the land.

I was once called from bed on a cold, frosty morn
Fer ter go to the 'ouse of a toff,
Jest ter look at the tap in the scullery sink,
What they seys as they couldn't turn hoff.

Well, I shoves on me clothes, an' I puts on me 'at,
An I goes ter the 'ouse right away.
Ter hinspect this 'ere job, an' ter see if the case
His has bad has they'd sent round ter say.

They shows me this tap as they couldn't turn hoff,
They was right, 'cos I tried hit ter see,
Then I studies hit like, an' I scratches me 'ead,
An' l asks what they wanted wiv me.

The toff 'e explains as 'e wanted hit stopp'd,
So I asks for some hink an' a pen,
An' I makes hout a list o' the tools I shall want,
And I shoves 'em hall down, there an' then.

Then I goes ter the shop fer ter fetch 'em along,
But me wife, she was fryin' a chop,
An' there was me breakfast, hall tasty an' nice,
An' the smell of it tempts me ter stop.

I gets thro' me grub an' I lights up me pipe,
An' I sits down to wait fer me mate,
'E's a feller what fancies 'ome comforts, like me,
An' 'e never gets hup afore height.

When hat larst 'e arrives we goes round ter the place,
An' we starts on the job in a trice,
While the boys of the tradesmen, what call'd ter the 'ouse
Stands hadmirin' an' givin' hadvice.

First we tries fer ter plug up the tap wiv a cork,
But the water squirts hall round the place,
An' the toff, what was jest comin' hin hat the door,
Gets a gallon or two in his face.

'E dances about hin a terrible rage,
An' 'e treads hon the kitten's 'ind legs,
An' the cook 'ears hit squeal, an' she faints hin han 'eap,
An' falls 'flop' hin a basket hof heggs.

By this time the water was hup to our knees,
An' the tables an' chairs was afloat,
So the toff  'e yells out, 'Save the women an' kids,'
An' runs hoff ter borrow a boat.

Then the greengrocer's boy, what was watchin' the scene,
Comes apokin 'is nose hin again,
An' the himpudent feller seys, 'Take my hadvice,
An' jest turn it hoff at the main!'