UNCLE GEORGE
by
Greatex Newman & Fred Cecil
Billy Bennett
 It's plain as I ain't a policeman,
An' likewise I ain't a Boy Scout,
I'm a Bailiff... Yes, that's my perfession,
The bloke wot goes round chuckin' out. 

Last Toosday I went to an 'ouse to distrain,
When the door was thrown open quite wide,
An' a woman, all smilin', takes old o' me 'and,
An' ses, 'Dear Uncle George come inside.

'We all was so pleased', she goes on, smilin' still,
'When we got yer last letter what say'd
'As 'ow you was comin' back 'ome from Noo York,
'To retire now yer fortune yer'd made.'

Then 'er usband 'e 'eartily shakes both me 'ands,
An' 'e gets a chair for me to sit:
'It's twenty long years since yer left us.' ses 'e,
'But lumme, you ain't changed a bit!'

O'course it was plain they was thinkin' as I
Was their h'uncle jus' back from the States,
So thinks I to meself, 'this 'ere h'uncle's got brass
So p'r'aps I shall 'touch' if I waits.

So I sits meself down, an' I ses, 'Well, me dears,
'I've come back at last from me roam,
'After twenty long years in the wilds o' Noo York,
'I'm glad, once again, to be 'ome.

Then the 'usband, 'e gets out 'is pipe, an' 'e ses,
'Me terbacca, I've gone an' forgot
'I'll try yours if yer like Huncle George?' An' e did!
An' 'e very near took all I'd got.

Then 'e ses, 'Now we'll all celebrate yer return
'By drinkin' yer jolly good 'ealth,
So lend us a bob.' an' I couldn't refuse,
Or else 'e'd 'a' doubted me wealth. 

Well then it got late, Uncle George 'adn't come,
But I thought 'e'd come next day all right,
So I ses, 'My 'otel's a good distance from 'ere
'P'r'aps you'd put me up for the night?'

'We've jus' sent our h'only spare mattress away,
'To 'ave the springs cleaned.' the wife said,
'But we've got some old sacks in the garret upstairs.'
I ses, 'Right, them'll do for a bed.'

'I've slep' on wus beds than sacks many a time,
'Yer should be in Noo York, that's the place,
Why h'out there I've slep' on the prairies for weeks,
Wi' tigers alickin'me face!'

'What a brave 'un you is h'uncle George, to be sure,
'You're an 'ero!' the bloke proudly said,
Then 'e touched me for fourpence, 'twas all as I'd got,
So I left 'em and went up to bed.

When I got up next day, all the furniture'd gone!
Exceptin' a rusty old fork,
An' a note, left beside it, said, 'Dear Uncle George, 
'Goodbye, we're just off ter Noo York!' 
The end